


The way out / Believer

by embersandturquoise



Category: James McAvoy - Fandom, Murder In Mind
Genre: Addiction, David Suchet, Edward Palmer - Freeform, F/M, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, James Mcavoy - Freeform, Love, Martin Vosper - Freeform, Masturbation, Murder in Mind - Freeform, Murder in Mind Teacher, Oral Sex, Sex, Withdrawal, Young Love, break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:32:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26931430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embersandturquoise/pseuds/embersandturquoise
Summary: Martin Vosper doesn´t get killed.Mr. Palmer wants to offer him a chance to change his life.Things then get out of of hand...
Relationships: Martin Vosper - Relationship, Original Female Character - Relationship
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the episode I was devastated that Martin got killed.  
> I find he deserved a chance to live and change his life.
> 
> Thanks for kudos and comments.
> 
> This is the first chapter. Please let me know if you´re interested in more.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Drug abuse, violence, abuse, drug withdrawal

**THE WAY OUT / BELIEVER**

** Prologue **

When the boy came in she was shocked. Yes, she had seen cases like him before; the addicts, the goons... they all came her. But most of them had been far older and they often seemed hard and tough, but this guy... he was vulnerable to bits and tiny and small and pale... and there was blood on his tee and he could barely hold himself up.

The man who brought him was shaking and his voice tipped over again and again when he tried to explain what had happened.

_ Some hours before... _

They went down the dungeon.

“Martin... a second.”

“Yes?”

The boy fidgeted some more, rubbed his arms; he was only wearing a thin light tee with long sleeves he had pulled over his hands. Gods, he was handsome, yes – but he could get dangerous within a second because he needed a shot, that much was clear.

“I guess I made a wrong decision.”

“What you mean?”

Martin nearly sprang forward, his eyes glittering but so red and yes – there was fury in them... rage... but more than that – desperation.

“Can we just go back? I think I don´t want this.”

The man breathed deeply, his hands were shaking.

No. No, he wouldn´t do this. The poor guy... And he – who was he? Going after young addictive boys, just... to have it once in his life. He had been fighting with himself over it for so long, still the desire stayed with him. And he had thought if he ´d do it... just once in his life... maybe the feeling would go away.

Martin was trembling and he was dangerously close now; his teeth gnashing, his eyes flickering.

“No! No, we don´t go back just like that. You have to pay me!”

He looked like a deer in a cage now; a wild animal, predatory and about to attack. The man raised his hands.

“Look, Martin. We can handle this. Here, just take the money...”

Martin tore the wallet from him and stepped back. He sniffed and rummaged through the layers, taking bills and credit cards out. He flipped the money through his hands, counting. Then he looked up; angry, shaking his head violently.

“What?? That?? That´s not even close to enough! How you wanted to pay me? He?”

He came closer again, the man could feel his breath and Martin was breathing heavy now, running his fingers through his hair, getting more nervous by every passing second.

“You better get the codes out for the credit card. Gimme the code, hear!”

“Yes... moment... I have them here. Martin... just... could you calm down a bit? Please.”

“No! NOOOOOOOOO!!! I won´t calm down. I need the money. I need.... FUCK! Gimme the code now!”

The man reached into his pockets and wrapped out a paper.

“Here. Here it is.”

Martin, who had become unbelievably pale while waiting, stopped shaking and took a long breath.

“Good. We go.”

The man nodded.

They drove back to the city, the boy lighting a cigarette again. The man coughed.

“You don´t mind, ha? The cigarette?”

The man shook his head.

“No. Just smoke.”

He hated the smell. And the fume. But he wouldn´t say anything that would upset Martin again. Martin had in fact calmed a bit, if that could be said of a person in his state.

They arrived at a bank branch and the man pulled the car to a halt. They stepped out and went to the ATM; Martin fidgeting around while trying to type the numbers in. His fingers were shaking and he had to start anew twice. Drops of sweat were glistening on his forehead.

“Fucking shite! Get you done... aaaah, come ON!”

His voice grew louder. The man stepped beside him.

“Let me do this, Martin. Just tell me how much you need.”

Martin stuffed his hands into his pockets, sniffing and tapping from one to the other foot, his whole body moving forth and back. Gods, the nervousness of that guy...

“Five hundred pounds!”

he bellowed with an approach of boldness.

The man sucked the air in sharply, but forbid himself to comment. He finished the process and slowly breathed when the machine finally started beeping and threw the money out. He turned to Martin.

“Here you go.”

Martin without hesitation started counting and now he smiled. The man felt an ache in his heart. The boy really had a beautiful smile. He could be his son. Grandson more. He could have a good life...

“Martin... what will you do now?”

“Hm?”

Martin had already begun to walk.

“What do you mean?”

The man chuckled and heaved a sigh.

“See... I have a guess what you´re about do to with the money. You´ll go up to some dealer and... I hope you don´t squander it all in one. I mean... what do drugs cost? I don´t have a clue... I´m not familiar...”

Martin swallowed and interrupted him harshly, staring at him with his forehead wrinkled.

“What are you trying to say?”

The man looked around. It was a well lit place, cars passing by, even some last nightly wanderers on the streets, so he objected the situation to be safe for him.

“Martin... what if I get you somewhere you can sleep? In a bed? A real, warm bed...”

Martin flinched and shook his head.

“I won´t go home with you! Don´t do that. Gee man, what are you talking about?”

Martin laughed but all his insecurity and loneliness and yet again – despair showed under that laugh and in his eyes told a story of their own.

“No. Not my home. A shelter... A place to stay.”

Martin opened his mouth and swallowed, then closed it again. For some moments he just looked at the man, lost of speech.

“What... what for?”

The man blinked and breathed deeply again. Gods, they boy didn´t know anymore what it felt like if somebody cared for him. He just couldn´t leave him, let him go away to buy his next shot and then... give him some months... or maybe years... but he was on a lethal path, facing the end of his life – and it was only a question of time if he didn´t get any help.

“Don´t you want a chance to...”

Martin narrowed his eyebrows.

“What? Have a better life? Like – with work and stuff? Earn my money in a ... decent way?”

He still sounded angry, but there was a spark of interest in his eyes.

“I wasn´t about money or work. I was about...”

The man took a deep breath then he spoke further.

“I was about sleep... and food, healthy food... I was about care.”

Now Martin chuckled and his face contorted with pain.

“Care? Do I look as if I need care? I care for myself. I´ve always done that. I´ve...”

Rage again in his eyes – and his mouth a thin line, trembling, his whole body tense.

“I don´t need no care. I don´t need anybody. First you come to fuck me and now you pretend to care about me? Like what? I don´t care a shit about you, Mister.”

He really spat the words out as if they were dirty. He took another cigarette out, lit it and sucked on it sharply.

“You want your money back, is it that?”

The man shook his head and backed away. Martin stepped closer and closer and then they were right in front of the door to the bank again. The man knew he had hit the right spots, Martin was about to break down, but still the part of him that tried to keep his vulnerable self hidden and safe was stronger. He clenched his fists so hard, the knuckles whitened and protruded, and he hissed.

“You don´t care about me. No one cares about me. You...”

And then Martin jumped forward. And despite being so small and slim he was quite strong. The anger and aggression added to that and the man tumbled under Martin´s attack and next moment they lay on the floor; Martin pressing the man down, his hands around his neck, the man struggling for air, but then he pulled all his virtue together and managed to get Martin´s hands away from him. He pushed forward, arms against Martin´s chest who tried to slap the man, but the man was heavier and in an attempt to get Martin away he pushed and raised them both up again and then the boy trembled and for a moment all colour faded from his face as he coughed and lost his balance and then he fell over.

“Fuck... AAAAARRRGH...”

Glass shattering. A cry. And then... silence.

_ Later _

“I was just trying to help him. He attacked me. I was...”

The doctor looked at the man understandingly and nodded. He laid a hand on his shoulder.

“It´s okay, Mr. Palmer. We understand your point. You were defending yourself.”

He still trembled and had problems breathing. Getting Martin back into the car, bleeding, paler than death and screaming... then inside the hospital, more carrying the boy than anything else and Martin still had tried to escape, just he couldn´t anymore, he was too weak and the side effects of missing his dose of heroine had overtaken directly after he had crashed through the glass door.

“Will he... will he be okay?”

The doctor heaved a sigh.

“I don´t know if he will be okay. That depends on him. He´s good right now, regarding his general health. Apart from his drug problem. He will live. But more I can´t say right now.”

Mr. Palmer kneaded his hands nervously in his lap.

“Can I see him?”

“No. Better not. Later maybe. If Martin wishes to. But we will take good care of him. And I really don´t like saying this, but the police wants to have a word with you, Mr. Palmer.”

“Yes. Sure.”

Mr. Palmer stood up and left the room. At least he had done what he could. Right now. The boy would receive care. He hoped for the better.


	2. Chapter 1 - Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A young nurse practitioneer cares for Martin and struggles with her feelings for him.  
> Martin tries his charms on her and then goes missing.  
> Withdrawal symptoms; Martin opens up about what happened to him.
> 
> A long chapter. Trigger warning: Withdrawal symptoms. Allusions of physical abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m not a native English speaker, so please excuse if there are mistakes in wording and grammar.
> 
> Thanks for kudos and comments.

Chapter 1 - Withdrawal

Martin had been brought to surgery. He had lots of wounds, most of them not deep, but shatters of glass were still sticking to his skin everywhere. For a few hours he slept, not noticing the world around him, not noticing what happened. Not knowing people cleaned his wounds, not knowing others changed him into clean, warm clothes. Not knowing a young nurse practitioner tugged him in, under a thick blanket and attached him to a surveillance monitor, and then injected a needle which pumped a nutrient solution through his veins into his weak body.

“He´s sweet, isn´t he?”

“Yes. He´s handsome. But he´s an addict. Come on. Next patient.”

She went through all the rooms with the other practitioner who was in fact a nurse already, just had she not yet passed her exams. And hospitals were quite strict with titles. But in fact, two practitioners were usually not allowed to do what they did here without an experienced nurse accompanying them and checking their work. So where was the sense in that? Anyway...

She thought about the boy – Martin – longer and when they had finished their nightly circuit she was surprised to find out she had been enlisted for his care the whole next week.

With a real nurse assisting her, of course...

The first day Martin completely overslept. She went in every hour to look after him and all seemed good; vital signs were unobtrusive, only was his blood pressure a bit low, but she learned that this was because he had been given medication that was supposed to ease the withdrawal symptoms, like anti-nausea and anticonvulsants. And then something against the mood lows that were definitely to come. They didn´t know yet what Martin had dealt with before - had he suffered specific health problems or trauma maybe? – and so nobody knew what to expect really.

When she checked his access she firstly noticed how his veins were so badly manipulated, and it took her some time to get over the sight of all the stitch marks the needles had left and how his skin nearly seemed transparent. And then the red rims around his eyes, now seemingly darker... and his face seemed to have swollen a bit, but she knew this was only a side-effect of the detox treatment. Apart from that he was a handsome guy; nice features, curly dark hair, soft skin, lush lips, but right now he just looked tiny and completely spent.

The doctor came in twice a day and some hours later they had traced someone who knew Martin, so now they had quite a report on him and she heard of this and that and that really got to her, and she felt for him even more. She didn´t understand though what had brought him here, not specifically here but to this life he had obviously chosen. She tried to speak with the other practitioner about how all of this affected her, but the only thing the other kept repeating was:

“Get over it. He´s just an addict.”

Also her best friend with whom she could discuss literally everything showed quite intimidated by getting so involved in Martin´s life story and care. So maybe they were right and it wasn´t healthy. She shouldn´t think about it too much. He was “just” one of her patients, a case and she would get into real trouble should she develop a deeper bond to him. But then again – wasn´t that was care and nursing was about? Connecting, really getting “in”? There should be more to it than just “keep him alive”. So she felt left to herself as she stopped talking about her inner struggle and she tried not to listen and think too much.

On the next evening the other nurse had shortly left for another room, when Martin eventually began to move and deep sighs escaped from him. He sounded as if he was in terrible pain. She turned to him and he opened his eyes, just to close them again immediately. His face contorted and he let out another one of those pain-driven noises.

She waited.

He moved a bit and tried to get himself into a sitting position, but that was either too painful or he was too weak, so he let himself sink back into the cushions and once more tried to open his eyes. She stood there watching and then he finally looked at her. And he had the most mesmerizing blue eyes she had ever seen.

“Urgh... where... aaargh... where am I?”

“Uhm... hello Martin. You are in hospital.”

He looked at her, barely able to keep his eyes open at all and nodded. Then he sighed again.

“I don´t feel good.”

Yes, that was obvious. Oh no, now his whole body contorted and she hoped he would not cramp or something like that. Could that happen? Why was she alone with him anyway? She was about to panic but then she remembered to breathe and stepped a bit closer to the bed.

_What to say? What to say?_

She was clearly overwhelmed with the situation. He writhed on the bed and clearly was in pain and then suddenly he pulled to the side and was yet able to get out “sick...” and thank heavens she managed to get a bowl from somewhere, holding it to him and then he threw up violently.

Well, she was used to that. People throwing up, people bleeding and all that stuff. But usually she wasn´t involved that much. It was painful to see the guy like this, how he turned paler than the white ceiling and yes; he was a natural pale, but now the tiniest rest of colour had faded from his face, even his lips looked less red and he coughed and then he said “Sorry...” and she smiled at him and stroked his back.

“It´s okay. Don´t worry.”

Martin breathed deeply and she gave him a napkin and he used it with shaking fingers and then fell back onto the bed, his hair wet and sweat all over his face and neck.

“Okay... can I leave you for a moment? I better call for the doctor to see you. You´ve been sleeping for a long time.”

He nodded under lidded eyes, then looked at her for a moment and reached out his hand for her. She had to swallow, watching closely how he laid his hand onto hers.

“What´s your name?”

“Sophie.”

“Thank you, Sophie. Will you come back?”

“Erm... yes, I guess so. I am your nurse this week. Actually I´m not alone... I shouldn´t be, but my colleague had to leave for another patient, so...”

_Gods, why was she talking so much?_

“Mmmh... then it´s good.”

_Oh!_

She hesitated for a moment but Martin had his eyes already closed and the deep breathing sounds escaping from him told her he had fallen asleep again. She should change his clothes, he was wet from sweating. Yes, she should but then she would need assistance. And now she should really inform a doctor to come and see Martin.

She cleaned up quickly and washed her hands then she went over to the nurses´ room.

The doctor finally came and examined Martin thoroughly. Followed by the hospital´s social worker and next a trauma therapist. And then Sophie´s shift ended. So she only saw Martin on the next day. After a long conversation with the team and her co-nurse she was updated properly with his treatment. But only that, so she asked the other nurse about Martin´s background but all she received was again some beating around the bush; obviously the other one didn´t know herself or just didn´t want to tell her more.

Sophie looked up the list and took the prescribed medication and prepared everything, and then they went over to Martin´s room. Her colleague as always banged the door open with impetus so that every usual human would have sat straight up in his bed, awake in a second, but not Martin. He just raised an eyebrow, mildly interested, looking at them in a mixture of annoyance and resignation.

“Good morning, young man. How are we today?”

Sophie tried not to exchange looks with Martin, but she had the slightest impression there was a light grin curling on his lips.

Really... could no one tell Sister Wanda she was a bit too enthusiastic, not to say completely inappropriate in her approach of greeting addicts on withdrawal like that? He didn´t properly react, just mumbled something indistinct and made a face and Sophie could guess from that alone that he still felt very sick.

“Good. I take that as “Good morning, sister, thanks for asking.” We´ll change your medication; Dr. Webber already talked with you about it yesterday. I´ve got everything prepared here...”

_Uhm... moment... to be honest, that was me preparing all that, but okay... go on..._

Martin nodded, not really showing signs of approval, but anyway... Sister Wanda just babbled along in her nonchalantly tone that was supposed to calm people and yes, usually that worked but Sophie guessed Martin wasn´t interested in anything they´d tell him at all.

So she just observed how Sister Wanda placed a collar to his arm and replaced the old access with a new sober one. Martin contorted his face as she inserted the needle and now his eyes met Sophie´s and she threw him a sympathetic look and lip synced the word “Sorry.”. He smiled lightly at her and sighed deeply when the procedure was finally over.

“Well, there we go.”

Sister Wanda shot Sophie a satisfied glance, then patted Martin´s arms and he hissed – gods, that woman was a living example on how not to do it – then she looked at Sophie as if contemplating but then said:

“I guess you can keep him some company now. I´ll go further and come back later. You just need to check vital signs and well, better keep a bowl at the ready.”

And with that she rushed out of the room.

_Wow, nice anticipation of another beautiful day at work; full of puke and blood again._

Sophie swallowed but then turned around just to notice that Martin was grinning.

“I guess I´ve got a reputation here. Keep a bowl close...”

She grinned, too and stood closer to the bed.

“How are you today? I mean, like in how are you really?”

He made a face again.

“Pffff... my stomach hurts, I´m cold, I feel like I will throw up again... sorry... and my hands tingle.”

“Oh, I´m not sure if it should feel like that, but it could be because of the medication. But should get better in some minutes.”

“You´re on practice still?”

She nodded.

“Yes. Last year. But still a lot to learn, watch me.”

“That´s what I do.”

Bam – she felt her cheeks redden. He had a way to look at her; his head slightly tilted to the side, eyes wide, eyebrows high, a real smile now curling on his beautiful lips and he winked. He actually winked and chuckled and that made her knees go weak.

“How old are you? Do you have a boyfriend? I mean, surely you have, you´re gorgeous.”

Sophie was lost of words. The last time anyone called her “gorgeous” must have been years ago. She actually didn´t know if anyone ever said that to her, she never thought of herself to be beautiful, but her friend always told her how she didn´t understand how Sophie never noticed guys looking after her. She really didn´t, but maybe it was because she wasn´t interested.

“Uhm... thank you.”

“Come, sit with me. I´ve not talked with someone for a long time. Real talking I mean.”

She checked the monitor quickly and obviously everything was okay and Martin did indeed look a bit better, not that pale anymore, so she sat at the side of his bed and she hoped it was okay. She would not get thrown out because of talking to him.

“So... do you have a boyfriend?”

Martin cocked his eyebrow and she felt a slight tingle in her stomach, one of the good kind. He was clearly flirting with her and she had to admit she liked it. She shook her head.

“Not at the moment.”

“Excellent. Would you fancy me if I were a bit... let´s say... if I wasn´t the puking guy from room 47 but if we met on the streets? Which we surely would not, I´m talking rubbish, don´t mind me. Not there where I live...”

He had a strange way of talking. Very confident and in a way seductive on the one hand, but then again she wasn´t sure if he really meant it. It worked - that she had to admit and now she had a clear idea how he did what he had done. How could one not fall for him in a second?

“So, where is that... where you live?”

Martin tilted his head even more and moved closer, now she felt the warmth of his thighs against hers.

_Moment... warmth... didn´t he say he was cold?_

“Phew... some empty house we´ve found, no one owns that anymore. It´s just... something to sleep. Wouldn´t call it a living place. So nowhere I could take you. It stinks actually and the other guys...”

He rolled his eyes and laughed, but she could see the sadness in his eyes.

“Uhm... and how did you get there?”

Now he blinked.

“What do you mean, get there? Are you trying therapy on me?”

“No... Sorry, no. I just... wanted to know you better.”

Eyes wide again, red rimmed still and yes, even in his face the signs of addiction were clear although he really was beautiful and she could imagine how his eyes would shine if he weren´t on drugs. Which he actually wasn´t anymore right now. He fidgeted a bit then sat up straighter and then he had her hand in his again, smiling at her and he did that thing with his eyebrows again and smiled and tilted his head to the side... argh... yes it was seductive and for some moments it really got to her and he came closer and she nearly bowed to him, he licked his lips and then...

“You´ve got the keys to the medicinal closet, right? You need to get me something.”

“What? No, Martin I can´t. And you´re on trial, you know that. I...”

His look changed from one moment to the next.

“Yes, you can. You just go over and get me something. I need...”

“Martin, no!”

Now he held her by her wrist and she flinched, he had a tight grip and his eyes were dangerously dark now, fury building up. Shit, she should have known. It wasn´t that he was sober from one day to another and everything was perfect. What did she expect?

“Really Martin, let go. You´re hurting me. Let go!”

He hissed but eventually let her go and clenched his fists. Then he breathed slowly and closed his eyes. And when he opened them again he looked more normal again.

“Sorry, sweetheart. I just... it hurts. Really, my legs hurt and I´m cold. Can you not get me something? Please?”

She tried to regain her composure and shook her head. Then she stood up and turned. She´d better call for the other nurse, she could handle this.

“Please, Sophie...”

_Gods, his voice..._

She really needed to go.

“Come back, will you?”

“Yes.”

And then she left the room.

When they returned later, Martin was sweet with her and all one could say about his behaviour with the other personnel was he reacted with resignation, if with anything at all.

But she was cautious now. She was unsure if she should tell someone what had happened? Surely she should but she was afraid of the consequences. Would it mean they´d change her shift? Or would he receive any special “treatment” or whatever? Again she fell lost and hoped she´d have someone to talk about this on a neutral base. But there wasn´t anyone. So for now she decided to give him a chance and don´t tell anyone.

Then she spent some time considering if he´d been and still was nice with her on purpose; did he “use” her because he knew she could get him “something”? Or was that just the addiction speaking through him and he really was interested in her? Gods, this was a rollercoaster yet and nothing had happened really.

So the next days rushed away in a kind of blur, she tried to treat Martin like any other patient, but of course she wasn´t very successful. It just wasn´t possible. Either she was trying to be completely distant and all nursey-like or she was being awkward because she couldn´t really hide her emotions. And Martin - besides the fact that he had severe problems - occurred to be quite witty and empathetic.

“You´re trying hard not to show.”

“Hm?”

She was busy with preparing pills and filling the forms – they had just released him from intravenous treatment, and from today on he should get his detox medication via pills and he was allowed to walk around. But here he was, just sitting there and watching her doing her work.

“How do you mean, Martin?”

He chuckled.

_Argh, that sound. He must know what he can do with that._

“You obviously have a thing for me.”

He shrugged and Sophie blushed.

Gods, he really had guts. When he was like this – super confident, but in a nice way, not like those guys who were so full of themselves and knew it all; it was just because he clearly felt it. And he was right. Yes, she had a “thing” for him. She wouldn´t call it that, but there surely was something building up.

She looked at him, trying at least to pretend she also was bold.

“So Martin... and if I had a “thing” for you, what about it then?”

He pouted and cocked his eyebrow, then grinned at her in a way that was unequivocal.

“I would say that´s fine with me and we should give it a try.”

Bam – her heart skipped a beat.

What now? Of course, she was alone with him again and meanwhile she was suspecting a pattern behind that. Either Sister Wanda had high hopes in her or she left her alone with Martin on purpose, just to make clear she was a failure.

Martin laughed but then his face changed to that expression of self-disgust again.

“Exactly. Think about it. Is he a total waste of time or is he worth it?”

“Phew, Martin, really... It´s not about that. You might have noticed that I actually work here.”

“I´m not a total dumbass. Sure I know about that. I know they don´t approve of personnel developing close relation to patients, especially not to fucking drug addicts.”

The “problem” with him was; he was unbelievably witty and intelligent and so he knew, but on the other hand – and yes, she knew he was nearing a peak in withdrawal, scientifically speaking – his mood could change so quickly and right now he was feeding the part of him that felt neglected and wronged.

Sophie sat down beside him and breathed deeply.

“So... what´s your suggestion then?”

“Hm? Oh! You mean... you´re interested?”

Now he looked a bit aghast. She nodded slowly and took his hand.

“Yes, I´m about to give it a try. So maybe you could start with telling me a bit more about... you.”

Martin threw her a suspicious look, but then he sighed.

“Okay...”

Then he moved a bit closer and his voice dropped an octave.

“We could also snog a bit, you know... make out...”

His hand landed on her thigh and she had to swallow. He did that so obvious but it had quite an effect on her and she had to close her eyes for a second and that second was time enough for him to overcome their distance and she felt his lips on hers already when he mumbled in that low voice, sending shivers down her spine:

“I so fucking need that.”

And then he kissed her.

And that kiss was – everything. Bliss... anticipation... passion...

The way he didn´t hesitate to open her lips with his tongue, the way he moved his tongue around hers... that being the moment when she accidentally found out she was already returning the pleasure and she wanted it, she also wanted more and for a moment she forgot all her doubts and gave in.

Next moment Martin dragged her hand onto his crotch.

“Get me off, will you? I´m so hot.”

_Jesus fucking Christ._

Now she was swearing on the inside. That would get worse. She really needed... but he felt so good and... no, they shouldn´t... no, she couldn´t... she just...

“Martin, wait. No!”

She took her hand away and retracted from his lips. Which took all of her willpower, it felt.

“I can´t... We can´t do this. Not... not like this.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“So you´re not in.”

“Martin, yes I´m in. I´m totally in. Just...not like this. And not here. This just... can´t be.”

His mouth was a thin line now.

“Pfff... Well then. Go on with your pills and stuff. Just give me the meds and then leave.”

“Martin...”

He shot her a look and she had to gulp.

Gods, what had she signed on to? She tried to approach him once more, but he turned away.

“Okay then... here are your pills. You have to take them while I´m here.”

“Yeah fuck. I know. No cheating or spitting. Here... see?”

He took all of them and gulped them down with the water she held him. Then he refused to look at her but opened his mouth to let her check he´d really taken them.

“Okay. Later then.”

But he didn´t answer.

“Girl, what exactly are you doing here? You are supposed to have an eye on withdrawal in 47, not sit here and contemplate the menu of next week.”

Sophie flinched. She actually had the menu lying before her but all she had done was think and fill in the forms. And with a sudden approach of anger convulsing in her stomach she stood up and bluffed at Sister Wanda:

“His name is Martin. Since when have we started to talk about humans like they are numbers and case descriptions?”

“Huh, Sophie... what are you about? Just your shift is at...him... Martin... You know that.”

Sophie rolled her eyes and left the nurses room. Heard the other practitioner behind her whisper:

“She thinks he´s sweet...”

She took some time to help herself to a big mug of coffee and then with her throat already constricting she entered room 47 again.

Martin wasn´t in.

She breathed deeply for some moments. At least she wouldn´t have to face him right now.

But...

“Ah fuck, really...”

She turned and went out on the floor again.

 _He wouldn´t have escaped, would he? Maybe he was just taking a stroll. But should he? Alone?_ She tried to breathe slowly and not to panic again.

_He must be somewhere._

She looked into the common rooms, there were two and he wasn´t there. Then the kitchen. No one there...

_Shit._

Now she was getting nervous. If she lost him because of that...

She hurried her steps and was at the end of the floor when she accidentally looked out of the window – and saw him. He was sitting on a bench in the park.

Okay, she needed to talk to him. He was supposed to stay on station and not walk out.

_Although fresh air should be good for him, anyone ever thought of that? Obviously not. Anyway..._

Sophie took the elevator down and her hands were shaking. This was getting more complicated by the days, maybe she should just quit the job and apply for something else. The flower shop. Or become a musician, she could nicely play the guitar... just that it wasn´t for her. This was for her and she knew that. She was good at it. Martin was just... no, not just... Martin was a special challenge, he would have been anyway, but now she had somehow fallen for him and that made things worse.

He saw her approaching and bit his lips.

“Hey...”

He held a hand over his eyes.

“Sunny day. I thought I´d go out and enjoy the beautiful nature.”

Sophie looked around. He was making a fool out of her.

“Was joking. Sit down.”

She eyed him critically, but then she sat.

“Did they fire you?”

“No, they didn´t. But you shouldn´t walk around here alone.”

“Why is that? They said I could from today on. Nobody told me I had to stay inside. Am I supposed to stay in? Don´t I deserve walking in fresh air?”

Sophie heaved a deep sigh.

“It was my job to tell you that. And it is my job to walk around with you here. So yes, you may walk outside, just not alone.”

He sniffed and his fingers were trying to find something to engage in, fumbling with the fabric of his trousers, rubbing his arms.

“Are you cold, Martin?”

“A bit, yes. Maybe we´d better go in. Sorry, I didn´t want to trouble you. Have you searched for me?”

She nodded and they stood up.

“And... did you do that out of... was it just work that made you or...?”

Now she stopped walking and she thought she was about to cry.

“You know exactly it wasn´t just that. I was worried about you. You could...”

Martin clenched his fists and fidgeted with his sleeves some more.

“I´m sorry. I didn´t think about it. I was... I was angry and I needed to get out. I should have told someone. Sorry...”

Urgh, there it was again. That moment of absolute truth in his eyes. He had it in him, he still had that and damn yes, he was worth it.

“Come on. Let´s get you inside. I´ll fetch you tea or something.”

Sophie wiped a tear from her eyes and Martin pretended he didn´t notice.

Back on his room Sophie nearly gulped her coffee down in once. Martin watched her and narrowed his eyebrows.

“Coffee won´t help. Just makes you more nervous.”

“Really Martin, expert speaking here or what? I´m on shift the whole night and need to stay awake and...”

She buried her head in her hands and breathed.

“Anyway... I have a plan here. They have...”

She was trying to avoid the word “therapeutic”.

“... sessions here, classes like Yoga or pottery...”

Martin broke into laughter.

“You want me to do Yoga?”

“Come on... something.”

“Fucking withdrawal programme, is it?”

She breathed out. No chance to talk him into something.

“In fact it is called “Recovery programme”...”

Now they both laughed. After a while she laid the plan aside and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Isn´t there something you would be interested in?”

Martin smirked.

“I´ve already told you that.”

“Yes, I know about that. But I mean something to do; like crafting or music or reading. You must have been... no you mustn´t. Of course... I don´t know...”

She let her arms hang down and now she was the one to look resigned. Martin started to shiver suddenly and she went to fetch another blanket.

“Lie. I guess your little walk was a bit too much for your nervous system.”

He chuckled under lidded eyes.

“Talks medicine and yoga with me. Who are you, mysterious woman?”

She smiled and tugged him in and when she finally finished with that and he was still shivering, she held her hand to his forehead and he looked at her, smiling at first but then the smile faded quickly and his face contorted and he started to sob.

And there she sat, stroking his hair and his cheeks and he started to shake and whimper and sobbed even more and from time to time words escaped his throat but she couldn´t understand any of them.

She took the phone to call in the nurses´ room, maybe she would need help here.

Sister Wanda came and looked at him. Then she looked at her and nodded.

“You´re doing well, Sophie. Stay with him. Are you on night shift, too?”

“Hm.”

“Great. That could take some time. Hope he won´t have a complete breakdown. You just call if it gets worse. Or if... his mood changes. You know. I will come back in half an hour and Sister Mills is here tonight. I´ll tell Dr. Webber, but right now there´s nothing to worry really. They have that. It will pass.”

_It will pass. Great word. Yes, sure, that too will pass._

Martin appeared to her as if he had shifted into another state of consciousness. His eyes were glassy and he looked right through her; he was still crying, he was here, but just physically, his mind was elsewhere it seemed and right now wasn´t the time to talk with him. All she could do was to be there and hold his hand.

She must have fallen asleep. When she opened her eyes all around her was darkness. The only light came from the monitor which was strangely still on. She went over and turned it off. Martin was sleeping but sweating and tossing on the matress, he also let out moans from time to time and he sounded again as if in severe pain.

Sophie sighed deeply and began to gather fresh clothes, then she called in for Sister Mills and in a common effort they changed Martin into dry clothes. They also had to change the bedding and so Sophie found herself holding Martin up against her shoulders and rolling him around and he did not notice anything of that. He felt hot and sweaty and those voices really terrified her.

“It´s a peak, Sophie. It will pass. He´s young and he will get through it. Don´t worry too much.”

Sister Mills came over and stroked her cheek. She was more like a grandmother for Sophie, they´d had deep talks already during first and second year but then hadn´t been on shift together for a long time.

“You like him, huh?”

Sophie made a face.

“Yes...”

Sister Mills looked at her with a mixture of pain and understanding.

“It can get hard.”

“I know...”

“Sophie, I have known you for two years now and I have faith in you. Just look after yourself, promise me that, do you? Addicts... they... well, anyway... If you ever need someone to talk, I´m there. Okay?”

“Thank you.”

Sophie felt the need to cry again and she hoped Sister Mills would leave now and finally she did. But at least now there was someone who understood.

The night got worse. At one point Martin started to shout and writhe on the bed, trying to get up, but he couldn´t and he was merely awake. His eyes flickered and then he started to hyperventilate and that was when Sophie nearly lost it; she just stood there and watched Sister Mills how she injected something into Martins arm and kept talking to Martin in her smooth, calm voice whereas Sophie was shaking and breathing too fast herself.

And then suddenly it stopped and all was quiet. Sophie barely dared to look over; he looked even worse than on the day he´d arrived – his face grey, lips lost all colour but on the other hand very peaceful and soft. She didn´t know what was worse.

Sister Mills took a deep breath.

“Come here, Sophie. It´s alright for now. Sit with him. Or even better - lay with him. Keep him warm.”

Sophie threw her an undecided look, but then she sat on the bed – well yes, bodily contact, sure... but in a way this felt strange; had Sister Mills just given her the professional advice to cuddle with Martin?

“Okay. I´ll be over in the nurses´ room, I have some documentation to do. I´ll bring you some tea, luv. And if you must, sleep. This ain´t over yet.”

Sophie sighed. When Sister Mills was out of the room, she dared to move under the blanket and she spent some time just watching Martin in his – now quiet – sleep, breathing deep and regularly, then she put one arm around his waist and cuddled her head onto his shoulder and just held him close.

She couldn´t sleep anymore, she just listened to his breathing and felt his chest moving up and down lightly and how he was warming up in their embrace. After some embarrassing first minutes it began to feel good, lying here with him and she was sure nobody would come in at night, they were just the two of them on shift here and personnel was scarce, so she relaxed and then she began to giggle quietly. That would be an episode to tell... just whom, she didn´t know.

“Hey, I spent the night embracing that young addict we have on ward.”

She imagined her parents, they were quite liberal but they would surely not approve of that. And she was sure she couldn´t tell her friends. She sighed and thought further. What would her parents say if they knew she wasn´t just doing this on duty but because she actually liked Martin?

Liked... “like” seemed to have transformed into something else already.

She looked over at him, how his lashes touched to the skin under his eyes, lids barely moving in his sleep, the dark locks falling onto his forehead, his nose wrinkling from time to time and there were some more prominent freckles on his nose. He also had them around his shoulders and neck, myriads of them, she´d seen it when they had changed him. That and...

She gulped. She hoped he would tell her about it. Some day...

Martin slept peacefully until the early morning and when he awoke they were still lying like this and he looked at Sophie, unbelieving at first, then something build up inside and he was scared and then he got angry, not at her, he knew that, but this just was too much, he panted and tried to fight the emotions and he wouldn´t, just wouldn´t, no, not again...

He started to shake and then somebody winced and whimpered and when he felt the tears hot on his face, he knew it was him.

Sophie had fallen asleep shortly and found it hard to get back into a conscious state but suddenly all around started wobbling and then she heard the cries and then she remembered. She opened her eyes and there was Martin, who had rolled himself up into a ball, trying to hide his face and this time he wasn´t just sobbing, he was crying uncontrollably.

She felt her stomach tighten by the look of him, never had she seen anyone so desperate, so sad. She put her arms around him again, trying to find a way to hold him and keep him and eventually she arranged his head onto her lap, stroking his hair again and trying not to cry with him because it hurt her to see him like this. And she didn´t really know how she could help him. So she did that, just that and waited. Waiting seemed to be a kind of therapeutic measure with him.

And then suddenly there were words amongst all his whining and whimpering. At first she thought she´d misheard but then he said it again.

“Mommy...”

And she thought her heart would burst into pieces.

He was crying silently now, big tears dropping from his face along her thighs and she felt her trousers getting soaked from them but she didn´t care. And then he looked at her, his eyes two questionmarks and she shrugged her shoulders and started to cry herself. If only she knew a thing.

“I don´t know where she is, Martin. I´m so sorry.”

In fact, all they knew about him now was that he was twenty-three and that he had been a “well known drug-user”, living with some of those guys in a squatting. No relatives, no friends ever came to see him. Maybe because there just was no one. Or maybe no one cared. That she didn´t know. Some policemen had been at the hospital administration, and all they had to tell them was about that guy whom they had tracked down and Mr. Palmer, who had brought Martin here. Obviously there was no one else. Sophie once again thought how Martin must have been so lonely and that hurt.

Suddenly Martin looked up and now he seemed fully awake, his eyes had cleared up but were still so deeply filled with sadness, and he sighed deeply, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

“No, you can´t know. About my mom.”

Sophie took a deep breath. The moment finally seemed to have arrived and indeed, he started to talk:

“She can´t be here.”

Sophie gulped, his words gave her concrete ideas already but she needed to hear it from him.

“What happened to your mom, Martin?”

“Kicked me out of the house when I was fifteen. There was this guy... She´s had lots of men. Not one for long. My father left when I was a wee kid still. Don´t remember anything of him. I must have a photo somewhere, but I don´t know...”

Gods... Sophie felt her whole body tense, could she really take that? But yes, she would and she could. She would do it for him. For him to have the chance to get out of it. Get a better life. A second chance. And he trusted her, so here they were. He cleared his throat and fidgeted around a bit, then decided to sit up and leant against her shoulder, rubbing his face with his hands, sighing again.

“Anyway... that guy – Richy... He was nice in the beginning. They all are. Like “Martin here, Martin there...”, you know. But that was just to impress my mother. And in the end... he was just another prick. Like all the others. In fact, he was the biggest prick of them all.”

His face contorted again and he heaved his chest up and down, this really cost him nerves and efforts. He raised his eyes to look at her and she would never forget the expression in his precious face – all the hurt and loss and pain. He sniffed and Sophie waited. She knew it was hard for him to speak about all this and she longed for fresh air and it gave her anxiety to think about all he had been through, but she stayed with him and took his hand and then he shivered but he cuddled closer and wrapped his free arm around her and started to cry again.

“Shit... I can´t... I don´t want this. It hurts so much. Please... Sophie, help me... can you not get me something? It will ease the pain. I´d feel better. Please...”

She could so understand him and she knew, yes, it would ease the pain and it would make the feelings go away, but in the end it wouldn´t help him.

“I know, Martin. I see that you hurt. I can´t even imagine how it must feel for you. But I´m here. You can tell me. I´m here, okay? I take care of you...”

“No one ever cared about me...”

“Yes. I know now...”

“Please... Sophie...”

His eyes... so pleading and dark and sad. There was nothing seductive or manipulative anymore, this was just desperation and helplessness and she knew, she understood he wanted that to go away. Not feel that anymore, forget about it...

“Martin, you will make it through. You feel like you can´t right now, but you will. You´re strong. And you´ve got help. I´m here with you. I won´t go away. I promise! I will stay.”

“But it hurts so much, you can´t... you just can´t understand, you had a nice life, you haven´t... I never asked for that pain. I never wanted that. I just wanted to live like everyone else...”

She bowed to him and kissed the tears from his cheeks and stroked his back, he was trembling again but obviously drawing circles on his back with her palmed hand seemed to help. He calmed a bit and then kissed her back.

“Do you really like me?”

Sophie nodded.

“Yes, I do. And I really do care for you.”

“But... if you knew all about me... maybe you wouldn´t anymore. I don´t think you would...”

“Martin... why don´t you give it a try? What would be the worst thing that could happen, tell me.”

He thought.

“It will hurt.”

“Yes, it will hurt. And I can see you´re afraid.”

“I don´t want to be that boy again who´s afraid.”

And he started to shake again and clenched his fists and took his arm away from her. He wrapped his arms around his knees and sat there for a while, quiet.

“I´ve been afraid for so long. And then...”

Tears again, whimpering and then there was that expression of self-disgust that hit Sophie like a punch in the stomach.

“What then, Martin?”

“I just didn´t know where to go. And they sent me away. My own mother sent me away for that prick. Just... I just wanted to help and...”

And then it was too much. He broke down and cried and all she could do was cradle him and let him cry and when it ended and he had no tears left, he was completely overwhelmed and fell asleep in her arms.

“So, he talked to you? That´s great. Even without therapy or anything, he opened up.”

Sister Mills enfolded Sophie into a warm grandmotherly embrace and patted her back.

“Well done. Very well done.”

“Hmpf. I don´t feel like it. He just made allusions, didn´t tell me a lot, I still don´t know what really happened.”

Sophie was overwhelmed and she needed sleep. The last hours faded into a blur of images and emotions and she began to ask herself if all of that had truly happened.

“Didn´t tell you much? His father left, he was obviously abused by that prick of a boyfriend and his mother is dead? That ain´t much, girl?”

“Uhm... okay.”

Yes sure, Sister Mills was right. He had definitely opened up and it had been hard, but he had tried and she finally knew why he was so afraid and why he had come to use drugs.

“I think I´ll better go and get sleep. I´ll be back tonight. I couldn´t tell Martin, he just fell asleep. It was all too much. Can you tell him, I´m coming back? Please.”

Sister Mills nodded.

“Sure, Sophie. But even he knows that you need to sleep between shifts.”

“Yeah just... I´ve told him, I won´t leave. That I stay with him.”

“I know. Now go. I´ll look after him.”

And that she did. And so Sophie could relax between shifts, although her thoughts were with Martin mostly. She even called in during her free-time just to check everything was alright with him. And it went well. He didn´t talk any further about what had happened to him, but he got better with every day and after the second week decision was made to transfer him into the rehab section. So he would no longer be on Sophie´s station, having his room with another patient over there.


	3. Chapter 2 - Rehab

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin starts to get better while he´s taking rehab classes. He tells Sophie about his upbringing and how he had landed on the streets. Their relationship evolves.   
> Smut in between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: talk about violence and abuse.

_ Chapter 2 - Rehab _

At first it was strange, and Sophie could feel how Martin was afraid to take that step, especially with all the new people around him there, but then it actually eased their relationship, he wasn´t her patient anymore and she could concentrate back on her work. For lunch and after shifts and whenever she had the time, they met up, either in the canteen or whatever place they found. Martin occurred to have a special talent in finding empty rooms.

“You should have seen me doing Yoga here this morning.”

Martin grinned and Sophie threw him a look from the side. They were sitting on a big sofa in a huge bright room; even now in the evening and with the lights out, it was still nicely lit from the moon and the stars outside and it had a very special atmosphere. The fluffy sofa... the high ceilings... and on the outside there was a terrace that had actually a nice hammock to relax in.

“Yoga?”

Sophie giggled and Martin rolled his eyes.

“They force me to do a lot of that stuff here. Yoga´s okay, I have to admit. But a bit too much and then... I´ve had a massage today. Hands... Phew...”

He shuddered.

“Not nice?”

“No. Absolutely not. Just couldn´t take it. Bear it. Whatever. Have you ever had such?”

Sophie smiled at him.

“Yes, sometimes. And it´s wonderful. Maybe I can try? May I?”

He looked at her with surprise and made a face.

“Uhm... okay...”

“You sound not so sure. Just try okay? And you say if you don´t like it. Just stop me if it´s... too much.”

Martin shrugged and moved closer. Then he held up his left hand and Sophie took it in hers.

“You´ve cold hands, Martin. Still?”

“Sometimes. But I don´t feel cold. Especially not now.”

He bowed over to kiss her but she laid a finger onto his lips.

“Wait. We´ll do this now.”

And she held his hand in hers first without any move, just warming him up a bit. Then she started to stroke his palms, lightly first and when he nodded approvingly she moved her thumb over his fingers and around and back to the palm, with more pressure now. Martin had his mouth open and his eyes grew wide and actually his cheeks reddened.

“So... how do you like it?”

“Uhm... that... you do it differently. That´s actually... chrm... I like it, yes.”

“Okay... the other hand, too?”

“Mmmh...”

And she repeated the same procedure on his right hand, a bit pressure here and there and Martin eventually closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

“Is it too much?”

Sophie asked and tried not to grin, it obviously had quite an effect on Martin. He cleared his throat and opened his eyes again.

“Wha-at? Noooo, it´s...”

He blew the air out between his lips, to which colour had returned nicely, now they really were lush and red and his eyes... she had found them special on the first day already but now, with the remnants of the drugs finally out of his blood system, they were of the most beautiful ocean blue. And right now he had dark rims around the blue and she knew what that meant...

He smirked and next moment he was all over her.

Kissing was special with him. He wasn´t one to be shy or hesitating about tongue or not or how to start things slowly; when Martin kissed her he was full of passion and it wasn´t just kissing, his whole body was involved. And she knew how he´d missed all of that. Reciprocating feelings and touching, with someone who actually wanted him and more important, someone he had feelings for and he wanted to be with. So things had escalated very quickly as soon as he had started rehab.

“I better not visit in rehab to give you a massage, professionally I mean.”

Sophie brought out under hot kisses. Martin chuckled.

“That would indeed be embarrassing. Gods, I´m hard from you touching my hands.”

“Erm... yes, I can... feel that.”

He looked up and furrowed his brows.

“Don´t you want?”

“Yes, I want. Thing is... this is a public room still.”

“Pfff yes. Shall we go somewhere?”

Sophie looked around and thought for a moment, then she had an idea.

“Come...”

Some minutes later she locked the door and Martin threw her a look.

“What exactly is this and why do you have the keys?”

“Uhm... just some storage room. And I have them because... I need to come here sometimes.”

Martin grinned.

“For seducing patients?”

Oh, he had a good day. He was actually quite funny and witty, and when he was like that, he was even more attractive. And it added to Sophie´s self-confidence, the strange that was, but she felt encouraged by his cheekiness.

“Just special patients, you know. And no, that´s not in my contract.”

Martin approached her and now he had that look in his eyes, dark and sparkling, and she shivered from that alone. She swallowed as he closed the distance between them and pulled her close so that she could feel all his body parts pressed against her.

“Ah baby, I want to fuck.”

Okay, he would have to work on that. But right now it was okay and she was hot herself, so she wrapped her hands around his neck and then his lips were on hers again and his hands under her shirt already, pressing his thumbs on her nipples and she moaned by the feeling of his arousal against her groin and then it couldn´t go fast enough.

Martin unbuttoned his pants and dragged her hands down and while she thought for a short moment, they should maybe do it a bit slower, the feeling was stronger and ok... maybe next time... he would learn to do it gently and slow, it would come, but right now...

Martin threw his head back, when she put her hand around him and he felt gorgeous, warm and hard and she pulled him closer and he was already busy with opening her buttons and zipper and then her trousers fell down in a rush, and he did away with her panties and then his fingers were in her, thrusting.

“Martin...”

“Yes... I know. Fuck, you´re so ready.”

For a moment she was embarrassed. Yes, she was. With the tiniest bit of foreplay, he had that effect on her. But then she returned his kiss and sucked on his lower lip and nodded.

Martin lifted her up onto a counter, that stood against a wall and pulled his pants down, just enough to get himself out of his clothes and then he retracted his fingers from her and smirked.

“You like it like that, do you?”

Sophie blushed. Up to now she didn´t know that in fact she liked it like that. Sometimes. Not always. He should know. Just – right now... but...

And then he did the most amazing thing ever. He looked at her with cocked eyebrows and his eyes were a sea of desire and lust when he put his fingers to his mouth and licked them.

“Delicious...”

Gods, she was done. She was completely done. She looked at him and her mouth fell open and her heart was pumping wildly and she could not stand a single moment more. She pulled him close again and felt him hard against her entrance and then he looked at her and laid his hands against her thighs, just slightly spreading them, while he pushed inside.

“Gnnnnn...”

His hands on her back now, pulling her close, watching her how she enjoyed him moving forth and back and then he closed his eyes and crashed his lips onto hers against and his tongue did what he did down there, hard and deep and pushed against hers and she could barely breathe and then it was too much.

“I´m so close, I need to shoot.”

Martin coughed and she panted. His words added to her arousal and she already felt her stomach contract and then he hit the right points and she began to clamp around him, her hands gripping his bottom.

“Yes, Martin, let go. Let go.”

And then she had to hold her hand against her mouth not to scream and next moment he came violently.

They took some time afterwards kissing and helping each other to dress properly again and then somehow they escaped and giggled along the way down to Martin´s ward. There they kissed a long, long goodbye and whispered some time before he finally went in again.

So the days passed and everything went quite well. Martin was taking rehab classes and they slowly built up their relationship. He had always interesting things to report from his day and vice versa was he also keen to know what Sophie had experienced on ward.

The “Yoga-Room” somehow became their secret hideaway and they spent nearly all the evenings there; Martin always eager to make out and Sophie trying to teach him into more gentle and slow ways in regards to sex. But in fact most of those evenings ended like that; with sex. And as much as she enjoyed it and as much as she wanted him, Sophie had the slightest idea that Martin “used” it as a new way of pressure release. And he surely experienced pressure still; rehab was evolving but mostly it was hard for him.

“We´ve been drawing today. Ouff, can it get more embarrassing?”

Martin made a face, most of the classes were supposed to help him feel emotions or perceive his body and usually it was done in a subtle way, but he was too aware of the reason behind all that.

“Why do you find that embarrassing?”

He lay on his back, his head in her lap and gave her that “you know why...”-look and she was right.

“You know why... Because I´m neither good at it nor does it anything else than give me pressure.”

“Drawing gives you pressure?”

“Makes me nervous. My drawings look like shit. Really, it´s just an assembly of colours fading into grey. I tried to paint something like a scenery once but that ended up like a three-year-old had tried.”

Sophie smiled at him.

“You know, Picasso said he needed to learn to draw like a kid again.”

“Yaya... blabla... methinks the lady doth talk too much.”

And there were his lips on hers. He was clearly avoiding talk at some points and she knew those were exactly the things that triggered something in him. But okay, she wasn´t a therapist; she just waited and when he had his moments he opened up to her.

He had finally told her why his mother and Richy had thrown him out.

It had happened one day when they were kissing and touching each other and he was really easy on that day; going slow, letting her caress his tummy and chest and back... and then she touched over the scars gently and he flinched.

Sophie gulped.

“Sorry... Does it hurt still?”

Martin shook his head.

“No. Not... like that. Not your touch. It´s just... it reminds me...”

He stopped from touching her and his whole body was tense from one moment to the next.

“Do you want to tell me?”

She softly moved her fingers over his back and in fact, there were less places with hale skin to touch; his whole back was a landscape of scars and bruises. Martin took several deep breaths and attempted to speak, but firstly his voice broke and she took her hand away to embrace him closely.

“You mustn´t. It´s okay.”

In the end, the important thing wasn´t that she knew everything and how and when it had happened – she wasn´t quite sure herself if she really wanted to know - but if it helped him to speak about it, then she would be there.

Martin had his eyes closed and was shaking, a bit just; but yes, she could imagine how it must feel to delve back into those frightening memories.

“I know. But I want. I want to tell you. Just... please... please don´t hate me.”

“Martin, why should I? I could never...”

He looked at her anxious and there were tears in his eyes again.

“Promise me. Please...”

And she nodded and he grabbed her hand and put it back under his tee and then he told her the story of every single scar.

How Richy had been so nice and caring in the beginning and Martin had truly believed this guy could be a change, and that they might be a family again. But then Richy had started to use Martin for stealing alcohol and cigarettes, later procure drugs and at the worst point of it all – women.

Martin started to cry, when he told Sophie how he had tried to refuse, how he wanted to tell his mother about it and Richy had begun to threaten him; not just threaten, he beat him up severely, daily in the end, but always in places that weren´t obviously to be seen by others. And he had made sure Martin always wore clothes that hid the bruises.

“And he had friends, worse guys even. Came to our home, stoned and drunk and...”

Martin couldn´t go on, he cried so hard now and Sophie was lost of words, desperately sad and angry at the same time. Angry that no one had noticed, angry that all those adults had left Martin alone with that, not just left him – they had destroyed his belief in humanity, his belief in the good in the world and there had been no one for him to talk to.

“Didn´t you... I mean... why was there no one you could turn to? Even at school?”

He shook his head, breathing heavily.

“Nope. Maybe I didn´t try hard enough. And I was afraid. Dunno...”

Sophie made a face. She felt like she wanted to hit all those people that had looked away.

“No, Martin, you were a kid still. That wasn´t your responsibility. Gods... how could they all let you down?”

She tried to hold back the tears but it was impossible, so for a while they were holding each other, both sobbing and then she looked up and waited for him to speak further.

“Then... there was this evening...”

Now he kept staring straight ahead, shivering and for a moment she had the feeling he would throw up, but he didn´t.

“We were alone, Mom and I... I showed her... all he had done to me. And you know... she cried and she was sorry and everything. But she was drunk and she always felt so dependent with men, she said she couldn´t live alone... she just... she always tried... It was my fault, somehow I could never be enough. But...”

Sophie drew circles over his back with the palm of her hand and that helped a bit. He sighed deeply.

“Then he came back and he knew... He just knew I had told her everything and then...”

He coughed and went completely pale.

“Oh God, Martin, come here... It´s okay now. I´m so sorry you had to go through all of that. That´s just terrible. No one should...”

She stopped and just held him. She didn´t know what to say anymore. He hid his face against her neck, clawing his fists into the sleeves of his pull and like so often she felt she was cradling and soothing a very young child. Which indeed he was in that moment, relieving all those dreadful memories.

“It was all my fault. It was my fault...”

he whimpered.

“No, Martin, it wasn´t! None of that wasn´t your fault. You couldn´t resolve that alone. It was never your fault.”

She knew they would be late. He should have been back on rehab ward by now but she just couldn´t leave him like this. So, while Martin was still crying, Sophie called in at the station and told them they would be late and that Martin would need special care when he arrived. She knew some of the nurses and therapists that worked there by now, so everything went smooth. They just insisted that she brought him back by midnight and that she would not for any second leave him alone right now.

It took some time but finally Martin could carry on with the happenings of that evening. How that prick Richy had completely freaked out and firstly battered Martin, then his mother because she had been “so dumb to believe that fucking shithole of a son” and then his rage had even aggravated and he began to throw dishes at them and then chairs. Martin was bleeding and hurting, but still he managed to get up, tried to help his mother and then there was a knife – and he didn´t remember how it had come to his hands, but he had it and he attacked Richy with that knife.

“And that was when she kicked me out... She screamed at me and slapped me, and told me to leave and that I was a lost case and I... I just didn´t understand. I couldn´t understand... Why? I just wanted to help her... I thought I could help her... and she sent me away and...”

He flinched and writhed and he started to scratch his arms feverishly, it was just too much and Sophie had never heard anything more sad and shocking in her life and she could no longer bear to think about it or see him hurting again. She took him into her arms and held him, for hours as it felt, until he stopped shaking and crying and all she could say, again and again like a mantra, was:

“I´m here... I´m with you. You´re safe now, Martin.”

Some time later he had calmed enough, so that they could go over and on the next morning she learned that he´d had a hard night, craving and screaming... And as well as she knew that could happen again at any stage of rehabilitation, even now that he was clinically sober - he just was so used to numb his emotions with drugs - she felt responsible and bad that he had been through that again because of her asking, so that from then on she was a lot more cautious regarding the things they spoke about and where she touched him.

Some days they were just walking in the park and then mostly Sophie told Martin about her life before him, how she had decided to become a nurse after somebody nearly drowned at high school, or about amusing anecdotes from school time or her family. And as another month passed without further incidents, Martin was allowed to spend his weekends outside the clinic.

Sophie wanted him to know her parents although she still wasn´t sure how they would react to their relationship, so they talked it over long and thorough and as Martin was still very insecure and feared their rejection they decided to wait and that Sophie for now would talk to her parents alone and tell them about Martin.

So they spent their first weekend at Sophie´s flat, doing what young couples did.

They slept long and went out for lunch – and it was always a pleasure to see Martin eager to try out new food which he ate with the utmost joy and appetite – then in the afternoon they decided to go to the pictures, mostly giggling and holding hands throughout the film and when they came out again, they looked at each other and Martin asked what the movie had been about at all, but she couldn´t say neither. Then they bought ice-cream and sat on a bench near the harbour and watched the small boats drifting in and out.

Martin yawned and laid his arm around Sophie´s shoulders.

“I´ve never done this before. Like, all of this. Thank you, honey.”

In a way it was sad, but Sophie was glad that now he could experience such small joys and she was happy she was with him. He had finally gained some weight and his cheeks were soft and rounder and he smiled and laughed a lot more with the days passing. So now he really was a handsome guy and the sparkles in his eyes and his smile were beautiful to see.

She cuddled to his shoulder and kissed his neck.

“Can we stay and watch the sunset?”

asked Martin.

“Sure.”

And so they sat in silence at the pier and watched the sky turn red and orange and pink and then slowly the sunlight faded and the stars came up and the moon and they spent some time there kissing in the near dark.

All was wonderful and right and when they came back, for the first time ever they had sex in a bed. And this time it was really love-making; they slowly undressed each other and took time for caressing and kissing. Sophie cautiously avoided touching his scars but when they finally lied down and Martin entered her, he guided her hands around his waist to his back.

“Touch me... It´s okay.”

And then he moved slowly and tenderly and pleasure was building up more and more and they kissed thoroughly throughout, until he made the most adorable sound ever and then they both came.

They stayed embraced for a long time and when they parted, Sophie cuddled to his chest and Martin looked at her and swallowed hard, but then he said the words and she nearly cried.

“So, it´s official now? Ah... I envy you I must admit. Young love...”

Sister Mills smiled at Sophie and Sophie blushed a bit, but her heart was full.

“Yes. And he said it first, he was so sweet. I know it´s hard for him, but...”

She sighed.

“Look at you, you´re over the moon.”

Sister Mills hugged her closely and once more Sophie felt grateful that there was at least one person supporting her.

In the meantime she had spoken with her best friend again and she had been - shocked.

“He´s been on drugs! You know – once an addict, always an addict.”

Sophie had rolled her eyes and the evening had nearly ended in a harsh argument.

“He´s been through a lot and all people do is call him a lost case. Thanks very much. If life was like that, we could really forget about helping and supporting people at all.”

Yes, but that was what life was like, with most people. They just kept sorting people into labels and then they could deal with whatever or whoever was “different”.

“You know there is a reason why I choose this profession?”

Her friend smiled at her.

“Yes, Soph I know. Just... I fear for you a bit. What if he´s having a fallback?”

“He won´t. He´s in good care and he´s strong. And I love him.”

End of story.

The next step she took were her parents. She was prepared for their reaction, but in fact her mother was really wonderful, interested in all Sophie had to tell about Martin.

“I´m proud of you. You have such a big heart, pea.”

Sophie laughed.

“You still call me that. I was eight years old, mum...”

Her mother kissed her on the forehead.

“Why don´t you bring him for dinner someday? I really would like to get to know him. In person.”

And so they spoke about it some more and Martin still was a bit afraid, but on the other hand he was keen to know them and so he said “Yes.”.

It was on a rainy Friday evening and Martin had had an early closing time on ward, so they drove in Sophie´s black Peugeot over to the small cottage her parents lived in.

“Wow!”

Martin was impressed when he stepped out.

“Nice... What do your parents work exactly?”

“Dad´s in a bank and my mom is teaching arts.”

He clicked his tongue.

“Now I know why you always want to see my drawings.”

They laughed and hugged closely. Sophie took his hand, he was indeed shaking a bit.

“It´s okay. They´re really glad to see you. And they´re okay... most of the times.”

Martin nodded and blew his locks out of his face but they fell back when he moved.

They walked the steps to the wooden door and Sophie rang the bell. Martin coughed nervously and arranged his shirt. She had never seen him in a shirt before, but today he wore one. And a brand new jeans to boots and she had to admit he looked very appetizing, but she should better not think about that now.

Her mother opened the door and kissed Sophie, then enclosed Martin in a warm embrace.

“Very nice to know you, Martin. Sophie´s told us so much about you. Come in, darlings. Did you have a nice day?”

Martin was completely overwhelmed and could not answer properly. He just stammered “thank you” and looked at Sophie for help, who pressed his hand gently and smiled at him.

“Thanks, mum. Day´s been good. I had a nice little old lady on ward today, she told me her whole life story. Gee, sometimes that´s the most interesting part of it.”

Martin threw her a look. They had entered the living room, which had a chimney in it – Martin´s eyes grew wide – and it really was a cosy welcoming atmosphere.

Sophie´s mother guided them to the table.

“Where´s dad?”

“Working late. He will join us later. So, in the meantime we can really enjoy ourselves.”

And with that Sophie´s mother turned the radio louder and started to hum a little melody.

“My father´s not that amused if we listen to music that loud.”

Sophie told Martin who raised his eyebrows and grinned. He liked it here so he relaxed by every minute passing by.

In the end, it was quite a nice evening. Sophie´s father had been a bit hard on Martin, asking him too many questions and at one point Sophie cut him off, because she knew it would only upset Martin if they went on. Although he was nice and polite, trying to keep the conversation rolling and not backing away from questions, but she could feel how he got nervous again, his legs flailing and his palms sweating.

So after some hours they said “goodbye” and when they were back in the car, Martin let out a deep sigh.

“That was... something. Is now the time to confess I´ve never met any parents of... I don´t even know how to call them... anyway. Your father´s a tough nut.”

Sophie grinned and leaned over to quickly kiss him. Martin did not really engage in the kiss but looked at Sophie, thoughtful.

“He doesn´t like me.”

Sophie was about to say “No.” and that Martin had the wrong impression but that just wasn´t true.

“Mmmh... I guess he´s afraid. Careful. For me. Won´t call it he doesn´t like you, he´s just... cautious.”

Martin scratched his neck.

“Yeah. Understandable.”

“But all in all?”

“It was good. I felt okay. Dinner was delicious. If I didn´t get that out clear, please tell you mum once again, I´ve never eaten a meal that wonderful. She´s a great cook.”

“I will. And now we have to do something about this.”

Sophie smirked at Martin and moved her hand over his thighs.

“Erm... here? In a car?”

“Have we ever done it in a car?”

Sophie grinned and pulled into a small field path, hidden from the road and stopped the engine.

Martin chuckled.

“Nope. Not that I know. Gods, all the things I´ve had in cars...”

He made a face.

“Oh. Do we need to talk about that?”

“Hmmm... someday I guess. But right now you could just give me a blowjob.”

“Martin!”

“What? Since we are on that subject... And it wasn´t me who started that.”

Now he smirked and that grin on his face was more enticing than the bulge in his jeans. So Sophie bowed over and began to unbutton his pants. He leant back in the car seat and closed his eyes, his hand on her neck, running his fingers through her hair. She looked up and the anticipation in his face was intriguing to see, so she stopped for a moment and just moved her hand over the shape of his arousal through the fabric, very slow from top to bottom and then she gripped between his legs, a bit harder.

“Aaaah... yes...”

Martin bit his lip and opened his eyes again.

“Don´t tease me so much, get me out.”

Sophie still sometimes was embarrassed how he was so clear and determinate when it came to sex but then again, she liked it and she was more embarrassed maybe by realizing what his voice and words alone could do to her or make her do.

She smiled at him sweetly and opened the zipper.

No underpants. She grinned.

“You come to visit me at my parents´ house like this? Had any special plans, Martin?”

He tried to look innocent for a moment, but then his lips curled into that seductive smile – he still had that, seemed it had become a part of him somehow and yes, it worked. He raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe... but you couldn´t obviously wait for plans to unfold.”

She hit him gently somewhere around his hips and he pouted. But then he pulled her up in a thorough kiss, let her taste his tongue and made the most thrilling noises and she put her hand back down on him. He moaned more and then his lips were close to her ear, his hand on hers, gripping firm.

“Put your lips on me, will you?”

She chuckled and next moment she touched her lips to him there.

“Gods... yes...”

To feel him throbbing and hot and to hear how much he actually liked what she did encouraged her. She took him in and moved her lips up and down and then she put her tongue around him, sucking the soft round top, eliciting pre-cum and unbearable moans of pleasure from him. Martin slightly pushed into her mouth and his hands in her hair spoke a clear language, she felt he was close and so she stopped for a moment. Martin gave an unsatisfied hiss.

“Ah please... make me, baby.”

She was completely torn. To see him like this, losing control under her hands and lips was unbelievably hot but she needed relief herself. Martin looked at her, breathing heavy and he understood.

“Sorry, this was just so fucking hot. I just wanted to let go. Sorry, didn´t ask you.”

She bit her lip. The idea was still enticing but she dragged his hands around her waist and then down under her skirt. He shoved her panty aside and then his fingers were at the right places, teasing and pushing, circling and pressing and she just held him in her hand, gently stroking, fully delving into her own pleasure until they both could have it no more.

“I´m gonna cum.”

Martin was panting so hard and she was close, too.

“Then come in me.”

He watched in awe how she pulled her panty off and stepped over him, then sat down on his crotch, just moving her warmth over him and he groaned desperately. He heaved her hips up just enough to enter her. They kissed and his hands were around her bottom, gripping and pulling her close and then with just one thrust he came.

He moaned deeply and then looked at Sophie, a tiny bit embarrassed. But he made up for it, turning her around and then he dived between her legs and his lips and tongue took her over the edge within seconds.

“If it´s always like that, we should visit your parents more often.”

Martin smirked and he did not even blush by the audacity of his words. Sophie rolled her eyes.

“I hope it hasn´t to do with my parents.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I know.”

She kissed him on the nose and then they engaged in a longer, softer kiss before they arranged their clothing back and finally drove home.

They didn´t actually make it far in the flat. The whole atmosphere was charged and Sophie still wasn´t sure why but she was amazed when she noticed Martin was hard again. Their clothes flew somewhere onto the ground and then he heaved her up onto that cupboard in the hallway and next moment he was in her, now taking more time and going more slow, but it seemed he was eager to get another high and so he put his thumb on her spot watching how that made her lose control and then he whispered into her ear.

“I´m so fucking hot for you. Sometimes I want to do nothing else all day.”

And she came. He kissed her right through it, then he pushed harder and deeper and the cupboard actually began to shake but she didn´t care and when he coughed and panted - “Coming, baby...” – her belly convulsed again and she was hot and he groaned and that did it again.

“Gods, what is it today?”

Her cheeks were flushed and Martin was still panting. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Summer heat?”

They laughed and he went over into the bathroom to shower and when he came back, Sophie had already fallen asleep under thin linen duvets. Martin quietly slipped under the blanket and cuddled himself to her side.


	4. Chapter 3 - A mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something´s wrong, but Sophie can´t put a finger to it. Until she comes to fetch Martin from ward some evening.   
> Heartbreak ahead.

_ Chapter 3 - A mistake _

So that was what the weekends were like with him. Three months had passed now and still everything felt new and exciting and on some days even exhausting. Martin still had those times where he couldn´t cope well with what therapy brought up and then he either became extremely clingy or very repellent. Sophie knew it wasn´t about her but about him and that he would learn to cope better or find other ways to express his feelings but it was hard to take, him changing from one to the other mood. Often unforeseeable as he didn´t talk much about his days lately. Mostly Sophie could tell by the way he walked up to her or sounded at the phone that something depressed him but after the great reveals in the beginning she found he had closed up to her and she didn´t know why.

They had been out to buy new clothes and finally Martin had his own mobile, so that if they couldn´t meet on a day due to overlapping shifts, they phoned a lot or texted, sometimes the whole night through. And it was all okay, Sophie told herself, he had been through a lot and everything was whirling up again and again, so why should he repeat that once more to her? She understood, but still...

She had asked him once, when they had touched upon a subject and he as so often had ended the conversation with his favourite coping method – sex. And as much as she liked to get physical with him and enjoyed it and wanted him - as days passed by something felt off. The only thing he had mentioned was that he didn´t want to burden her with all of his issues. And that she was the one place he could relax and be free from all that thinking.

Sophie sighed. Maybe they all had been right. It wasn´t easy and it would probably never be. She had always fancied guys who were open and vulnerable and connecting. And he had all that in him, she had experienced it first hand – not in a good way though and she knew for him it was a big deal – but still, she was disappointed how that seemed to have faded from him now.

As she came over that evening to pick Martin up from ward, she stood waiting in front of the glass door that was always locked. She didn´t ring the bell no more; Martin always came out whenever he was finished and maybe she was a bit early today.

So she sat in one of the big armchairs and tried to relax. Shift had been exhausting and longer than planned, they had some new arrivals and as usual on Fridays less personnel and as usual on Fridays more unexpected patients. She really needed sleep. Or just a nice cuddly evening with Martin, watching a film, doing – nothing.

There was movement on the other side of glass door. Martin... Sophie sighed and stood up, trying to catch his eyes but something felt strange. Obviously he didn´t see her. She stepped closer but he didn´t even look into her direction. He was grinning and talking, making faces and the way he moved... Sophie felt her stomach constrict.

Then she saw the girl.

Blonde long hair that she threw back with a flirtatious look, pouting and smiling, her eyes fixed on Martin, looking him up and down. Martin ran his fingers through his hair and did that thing with his eyebrows and then he tilted his head, smiling...

Sophie gulped.

Martin and the girl laughed and then he apparently said goodbye, because he turned but she held him back by his hands, and he grinned and then she clapped him on his bottom, pulling him close and Martin gestured around, but then his hands were on her waist, his cheeks red and she pouted again.

The ground began to shake.

Sophie turned and for a moment she was about to just leave. She felt sick, really sick. Maybe it was nothing. Just a girl who had a crush on Martin. Who could blame her? Maybe it was not what it looked like. Maybe...

She breathed deeply and then looked back and now Martin spotted her. He raised his eyebrows and smiled and with fastened steps approached the door.

The girl was gone.

Somebody opened the door and Martin came out, nearly running into her, taking her into his arms and next moment he kissed her with such fierce she had to gasp for air when they parted.

“Hey beautiful. What are we gonna do tonight? I´m starving. Do you have anything to eat with you?”

Sophie was speechless for a moment. It all fitted to good, him being so over talkative, but she didn´t want to start their weekend with reproaches, so she grabbed into her handbag and held him a Mars bar.

“Not that I call that nutrition, but thank you, love.”

Martin wrapped his arms around her waist and they went over to the elevators. He had his Mars nearly finished and when the elevator door closed he pushed a button and the cabin came to a halt. Sophie looked at him aghast.

“Martin, what are you doing?”

He smirked and with two steps he was all over her, kissing her neck and his hands wandering down already.

“Love in an elevator?”

His lips and hands were enticing and Sophie felt her body give in, as always... too soon and whenever he was available... her body wanted his body, it was just...

“Argh Martin...”

She shoved him away. He narrowed his eyes and for a moment she felt like she should apologize; he had that look on him again, like a wounded deer and maybe he was. In a way. But she just couldn´t do that now.

“This is a hospital. Elevators are needed for emergencies. You know that.”

He raised his hands and his eyes widened.

“Wow, sorry. I didn´t mean to offend you. Something´s wrong?”

“Well, maybe you tell me, Martin.”

“Hm?”

He didn´t understand. How could he? It was just her stupid jealousy. Nothing had really happened. But yes, something obviously had happened. She had a feeling. But how could she tell him that? She felt dumb.

“Ach... nothing. I had a rough shift and I´m so tired. I just wanna go home.”

Martin bit his lip.

“Okay, then we´ll do that.”

And then he pushed the button again and the elevator started to move. He looked at her from the side then he just reached for her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. Sophie was about to cry and the whole way home to her flat she tried to hold the tears back but then it was too much and when they arrived, she kind of escaped to the bathroom and started to cry. Martin stood in the hallway, insecure and not knowing what was wrong and he didn´t know what to do so he just stood there and at some point he couldn´t bear to hear her sobbing no more and he went into the bathroom without even knocking.

“Baby, what´s wrong?”

Sophie had herself cuddled in front of the tub, her knees pulled to her body, shaking from crying. Martin sat down beside her and cautiously laid an arm around her shoulder.

“You don´t wanna tell me?”

He felt his throat constrict and his heart beating wildly against his chest. He didn´t like that feeling, he didn´t want to feel like that. But he didn´t want to feel Sophie like that even less. Up to now it had always been her to be the tough one, the one to listen and care.

She had her head buried between her arms and he could only see her shoulders quiver for a while but then she looked up and he swallowed hard.

“Have I done something wrong?”

She breathed deeply.

“Don´t know...”

“I don´t understand, Sophie. What is it? Why are you crying?“

Now he was so close and he smelled so good and he felt so unbelievably good, warm and attractive and Sophie felt so torn. If she told him, he would maybe laugh about it, or think she was either really dumb or hopelessly devoted to him and maybe he wouldn´t like that. If she didn´t she would never know. She took a deep breath again and then finally started to speak.

“I saw you with that girl.”

His whole posture changed within a second, he couldn´t even pretend to look like he didn´t know what she meant. All was clear with just one movement. He took his arm from her and swallowed. And swallowed again. And... said nothing.

“Say something at least. Maybe I´m just making something up?”

But she knew she wasn´t. She could trust her feelings. And she had seen enough.

The silence between them was awful, it was even worse than hearing it from him. He didn´t dare look her in the eyes no more and his face contorted. Sophie shook her head and she felt like the ground was shaking and she would fall to pieces, but she didn´t. She hoped for a gap to open up in the earth for her to delve into and never come back again.

He didn´t even try to disagree.

“So, it is like that. You have... what exactly... o god, no I don´t wanna know. I just...”

Her voice broke.

“Martin... we´ve been through all of this. I´ve been with your through all of this. I´ve... I love you and you just... why? What for?”

She was crying again and this time she didn´t try to hide. Martin looked at her from under his eyebrows, his head low, his eyes bright and red and yes, there were tears, too. So he was regretting it already. He shook his head, his mouth a thin line and he swallowed so hard, she could hear the sound his throat made moving up and down. He was breathing flat and she saw his chest and shoulders heave and how he clenched his fists.

“Fuck...”

Yes, indeed.

“Sophie, I... I really can´t say. I don´t know why. I´m...”

He looked up and their eyes met.

“I´m sorry. I´m really sorry. I fucked it up. I´m just not...”

“Ah fuck, Martin really. Don´t start with that again. This has nothing to do with “not being good enough”. You could have at least taken over responsibility. You could have told me. You could have talked to me. You don´t talk to me anymore, did you notice?”

Martin made a face and looked away.

“How do you mean?”

Sophie was furious now. He couldn´t be serious.

“How do you mean? Whenever we get to some sincere talking, you close up. You try sex at me. Which worked great up to now. Not that I complain.”

For a moment his face lit up.

“About the sex, I mean. It was good, it was all good. But I feel you don´t let me in, I´m trying to connect with you and talk with you and all you want...”

He gulped.

“I´m sorry. I just couldn´t...”

“Yes. And I understand. I know you need time and I was about to give you all the time you need, I know it´s hard, but... please Martin, just tell me... what is it between you and... whoever she is.”

He sighed deeply.

“Shauna. Her name is Shauna. And she came in two weeks ago. And it´s nothing really...”

Sophie threw him a look and he startled.

“Nothing serious, I mean. She fancies me.”

Yes. Sure. Who could blame her?

“And you?”

“Hm?”

Gods, why couldn´t he just talk? She felt like she had to drag everything out of him with pressure. It was exhausting and she felt so tired. She just wanted to go to sleep and wake up, realizing this had all been a bad dream. But it wasn´t.

“Do you fancy her?”

His cheeks reddened.

“Not like this.”

“Not like what? Fuck Martin, could you just tell me please and not turn this into an interrogation.”

He swallowed again and blew the air out loudly.

“I don´t fancy her. She´s nice and we´ve talked and then... fuck, yes, I´ve made a mistake and I wish I could change what happened but I can´t.”

That´s obvious. So... “something” happened. Whatever that “something” was...

“Did you sleep with her?”

“What? No! No... not that. Just... you know...”

He gulped and didn´t dare look her in the eyes. Her heart constricted and she felt dizzy from one moment to the next. She didn´t know where she got the strength from to talk further and there were tears again, streaming down her face and she just couldn´t look at him right now, she was shaking and stammering, but then she heard herself say:

“You know what? It hurts... and it´s... I still don´t understand how you could do this to me, but... okay, it happened... but Martin... you know, what´s worse?”

He looked at her, pale and teary and biting his lip, because he already knew the answer. Sophie stood up and shook her head.

“Worst thing is you didn´t tell me. I already had a strange feeling and it´s been there for weeks... and you´ve just stopped talking to me. We could have solved it, Martin... If you had just told me...”

She turned.

“Sophie...”

Martin looked at her and she knew if she stayed longer she would find herself with him on the ground and he would take her with him into that abyss but she wouldn´t. She couldn´t. She had to take care of herself now.

“Don´t... please. You can sleep on the couch tonight and I will drive you back tomorrow. And please – leave me be.”

And then she stepped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

She spent half of the night crying and she heard him cry in the living room and her heart was breaking again and again but right now it was all too much. She couldn´t bear it anymore. She needed a break.


	5. Chapter 4 - Break-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie thinks about her time with Martin.  
> Letters arrive.  
> One day Sophie regains enough courage to read and she takes a decision.  
> An unforeseen talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´ve grown very much in love with those two characters and although it was hard in between to write all this heartbreaking stuff and poor Martin with his background, it felt good to have him alive. Things will turn out good. :-)
> 
> There´s some music with this chapter, as I like to get inspired while writing.

_ Chapter 4 - Break-Up _

And then it rained. For three whole weeks. Summer had definitely passed and Sophie felt as if the world was mirroring her pain with all that dull depressing autumn weather. Days shortened and shifts got longer it seemed. Gone was the anticipation of shared lunch breaks or evenings, and she hadn´t seen Martin again since the morning after their argument. She had brought him back to rehab and just been able to quickly let them now she had broken up with him and that he would be here for the weekends again. They were surprised but understanding and the rest Martin would have to tell them himself.

That morning had been so awful. He had tried to explain but couldn´t really, he just didn´t find the words and Sophie could no longer hear about it. She was too hurt, and maybe she had forgiven him but the fact, that he didn´t even tell her about it broke her heart even more. And now she didn´t know how to trust him further.

But she missed him. She terribly missed him. She didn´t dare to admit – to whom by the way, nobody really wanted to hear about it – but she missed his smile, she missed his touch, the way he could make her laugh. She missed being close to him, she missed his kisses and all the usual stuff they´d done together. Watching a movie wasn´t the same anymore without his comments and questions and it felt like everything she did became just a bodily function to keep her alive. Eating, drinking, going to work, sleeping... and then next day starting anew. Same routine, no changes. Nothing to look forward to, just lingering in memories and that even hurt her more.

Sister Mills watched closely how Sophie grew so unbelievably quiet and she tried to talk to her and Sophie was grateful that there was at least this one person she could share her feelings with. Sister Mills didn´t judge Martin for what he´d done and she was so genuinely able to accept Sophie´s conflicting emotions. She just listened and understood.

Sophie hadn´t told anyone else, although her mother had asked about Martin a few times now, expressing how he had been “such a polite, nice young man” during that dinner. Sophie just couldn´t admit it had gone wrong and she didn´t want to hear the inevitable “we´ve told you”´s.

She was on lunch break, poking her fork into her salad but she wasn´t hungry either. And nothing seemed to taste any good. She knew it was all about her inner feeling and maybe... maybe it would get better with time. She hoped. But right now it felt as if all colour had faded from her life.

“Hey.”

She looked up. One of the nurses from rehab ward stood at her table, looking at her very uncomfortable.

“Hello.”

“Listen. I don´t usually do this. And... I´m not sure if this is right, but he is so desperate and... Anyway... Here.”

She held an envelope to Sophie who gulped.

“Thank you...”

She took the letter and stuffed it deep into her handbag. For one second she was about to ask how Martin was but then she decided she´d better not. The other woman smiled an insecure smile at her and then turned to leave.

Sophie buried her head into her hands for some minutes. She wasn´t sure if she really should read the letter. If she could face his words. If she could deal with it. Maybe later...

But later didn´t come. She took the letter out when she arrived at home and she weighed it in her hands but she was so hurt. She knew he deserved that she at least read it but she couldn´t just now. So she put the letter away, into a box which she hid deep into her cabinet. And then she tried not to think about it again.

Two days later the next letter arrived and then another one the week after.

“Don´t you think you should at least read them? Obviously the young man is making efforts.”

asked Sister Mills in her subtle but uncompromising manner.

“Yes, I know. I´m just so afraid it will whirl things up again and hurt even more.”

“But why, Sophie? Do you think he writes to you to make you feel bad? Come on, girl... He´s worth a try. Yes, he´s made a mistake. And yes, he regrets it. But you know, it is not about the mistakes, it is about what you make out of them.”

Sophie looked up with tears in her eyes.

“That´s true. But wouldn´t it have been better that mistake never happened at all?”

“Hmm... sure. But that chance is lost, Sophie.”

And as always Sister Mills was right. And Sophie knew it was only about her, as always struggling a bit too long and too much instead of taking the obvious solution.

In the end it took a complete unforeseen event to change her mind.

It was some days later on ward, everything was quiet and with the calming presence of Sister Mills around, Sophie finally dared to read the letters. She had taken them out of the cupboard the other night and they had waited in her handbag, accusing her of neglect every time she opened the bag. So she breathed deeply and finally took them out. She still wasn´t sure if she could stomach the words, so she braced herself and ripped the first open.

Her hands were shaking when she began to read. And within seconds tears kept streaming down her cheeks and she started to quietly whimper. Martin had never before written to her apart from text messages, but that was something different. Never had she expected him to be that good with words. Maybe he really wasn´t that good in talking, the written word seemed to come easier to him.

_(Music: Lost without you – Freya Ridings)_

Sophie sniffed and pulled herself together and then let herself dive into the writing. Sister Mills quietly closed the door and let her be.

_“Sophie..._

_I don´t even know where to start so I just start with now. I know I´ve hurt you and I never wanted anything less then to see you hurt. I know I can´t eliminate what happened, as much as I wish I could._

_I´ve made a mistake, and what makes it worse it was stupid. It had no meaning, I could say I was just following my hormones and that I´d blame them but that´s not true. I still can´t tell you what made me. And I hope it´s not really that what is important. I misused your trust and I threw everything we had away for nothing._

_You told me you missed talking with me and I miss that right now. I´m disappointed with myself that I never opened up more, but I had the feeling you already burdened so much of my past mistakes, of all the terrible things that happened. And I wanted to keep that out of our relation. I wanted us to be a happy place, a safe place and not the place to worry and cry. I understand now that I´ve taken a big part of us or myself away from you with that. It was never my intention, I just wanted to feel good whenever we were together, enjoy our time. Gods... how I miss that. I miss you. I miss you in every cell of my body... When I awake you´re the first thought that comes to my mind and when I go to sleep I keep taking you with me into my dreams._

_I hope we can talk this over but I understand if you never want to see me again. I just want you to know that I love you and that I can´t state in words how sorry I am._

_Martin”_

The letters touched Sophie to her deepest soul. Explaining so much, for example how Martin had found it much easier to speak to that other girl in therapy. Obviously she had a similar background with abuse and drugs and so that was what connected them. It hit Sophie as this was exactly what she had missed in their relation during the last weeks. But she had enough psychological knowledge to understand this had been nothing more than projection and who could blame that girl for being attracted to Martin... She wouldn´t let him out of his responsibility though, he had given in, not completely and he also confessed that, and he apologized but not making it sound too eager; all he wrote was genuine and heartfelt. The other letters were full of memories and how he missed her and she could read out of all of it how much he regretted his mistake and wanted to make up for it.

After she had finished the letters she needed some time to arrive back in the very moment. Her head was spinning and she was breathing hard, but her heart felt lighter and finally she knew what she had to do.

When she arrived on rehab ward, a nurse let her in and then was gone in a haste. It was strangely quiet here; maybe they were taking a walk or having a sports out this afternoon, she would have known usually but now...

No one at the front desk, no one to ask. She looked at her wristwatch and decided just to wait.

“They´re off for bowling.”

a voice said behind her. Sophie turned and her whole body tensed within a second. It was Shauna.

Sophie gulped and tried to fight the urge to just turn and walk away.

“Oh. You know when they´ll be back?”

she managed to get out. At least she could be polite. The girl shook her head.

_It´s not her fault._

_But I don´t need to like her though._

_She´s pretty, yes._

_A complete different way of pretty though._

_What did he see in her?_

_I shouldn´t compare us all the time, it´s of no use._

The girl looked Sophie up and down and then suddenly her face lit up.

“Heyyy... You´re Martin´s girl, right? Sophie?”

“Uhm... yes. No. I´m Sophie, yes, I mean. But... no. We actually broke up.”

“Well pff... oh! OH!! ... Shit...”

Shauna seemed to realize what that meant. Now she was struck.

“So... so you know...?”

Sophie nodded.

“I guess...”

“Oh!”

A momentary silence evolved, but then Shauna blew the air out loudly and smiled an insecure smile.

“Listen. I didn´t know. He talks about you all the time. And nothing else. Just you. I was wondering why he´s back for the weekends, but he wouldn´t tell me.”

Sophie heaved a big sigh. What farce was this that made her run into Shauna here? Her of all persons...

“Hmmm... to be honest, I really don´t know what to say. You´re Shauna, right?”

“Yes.”

The blonde stepped forward and they shook hands. Sophie looked around for a chair and to her great surprise Shauna followed her to sit down. They eyed each other, not knowing exactly what to say.

_She doesn´t really seem that interested in Martin._

_Maybe she never was?_

_Or she´s really good in disguise._

_What the heck am I to talk with her now?_

_Why is she sitting here with me?_

_Gods, can this get more complicated?_

Shauna pulled her knees to her chest and was thinking.

“You know what... I´m not sure, if Martin will return for dinner. Maybe he eats there.”

“There? At the bowling center?”

“No, no. He´s not gone bowling. He´s started internship this week and I heard he really likes it there, so some days he stays longer.”

Sophie wrinkled her forehead.

“Internship?”

So rehab was really going well for him, if they had already put him into that. She wondered which kind of work he had chosen.

“Yes. At the animal shelter in Oxford Street.”

Sophie felt her heart grow. Animal Shelter... Yes, that so suited him. She could absolutely see him care for neglected and injured animals and it would have the perfect impact on him, too.

“Maybe you just go there and visit him.”

said the girl who had seduced her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Or hopefully soon to-be-again... but no, she should better stop thinking.

“What? At the animal shelter? Uhm...”

“Yes, why not? Surprise him, he would like that, I think.”

Yes. In fact, he would. Sophie stood up and already turned but Shauna held her back.

“Listen... I... I guess it´s also my fault that you broke up. I just...”

_Oh please don´t let her ask me for forgiveness._

But Shauna didn´t.

“I just want to tell you one thing: He only ever speaks about you. All the time, it was only you. We´ve... talked a lot about our past... what´s happened on the streets, you know... why we came here... and... yes, he´s handsome and sweet and I...”

Sophie had a hard time breathing, but she tried to listen further. At least Shauna seemed to be caring and honest.

“... so okay... we just leave that out... just want you to know, he never was in. Like, when we... you know... it felt as if he was away, somewhere else. I always knew somehow, but I tried though. But I never stood a chance against you. He told me how he didn´t want to burden you with his past and so we spoke about that and then... things happened. But... you know, I tried real hard so you can blame me for that, it´s okay. But he loves you. He only loves you. If I only know one thing, it´s that. He really loves you.”

There she stood, emphasizing her words with big nods and that expression in her face was somewhere between resignation and envy. Sophie felt embarrassed a bit, but on the other hand finally everything cleared up. And to hear it from Shauna was a big deal, she had never expected that to happen. She stepped forward and took the other woman´s hand.

“Thank you for telling me, Shauna. That was... very kind. I really appreciate your efforts.”

Shauna nodded once more and then Sophie turned, leaving the ward, heading back outside to her car.


	6. Chapter 5 - Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie finds Martin at the animal shelter.  
> She finds she still has strong feelings for him.  
> They talk and Martin promises to never hurt her again.

_ Chapter 5 - Reconcilation _

_(Music: “Time after time” – Cindy Lauper)_

The animal shelter was just a ten minutes drive and Sophie could also have walked there, but now she didn´t want to lose more precious time. She had been here some years ago, when she tried to persuade her parents to have a dog. They never gave in, but at least they allowed her to come here and spend some time with a cute little puppy named Cookie.

Sophie smiled as she thought back. She went inside and yet there was bellowing and meow´s from everywhere and a few cats greeted her suspiciously in the entrance hall. She remembered she had to take the way through the patio to get to the other rooms, and usually people were allowed to walk free here. Usually there would also be personnel somewhere, but right now she did not see anyone. The noises around brought back memories and Sophie felt her mood lighten up. Her heart beat with excitement and also a bit of fear.

As she strode down the hall she suddenly heard a voice. She stopped and listened closer. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized it was Martin. And he was singing... She followed the sound of his voice and when she found the room it came from, she just stood there in front of the door, quietly, not moving one bit, just hung on to his voice.

“Hush now baby don´t you cry...”

Sophie felt her heart soothe with every word he sang. She had never heard him sing before but he sounded nice and smooth. She stepped closer and peered around the corner. And there was Martin. Her heart jumped. He looked changed; his hair longer, now curling in his neck and to his forehead, his skin a bit toned and all in all he seemed a bit rounder and softer. Which suited him well. He sat on a table, cuddling a sweet Sharpei puppy. Strange enough, he wore exactly the same clothes he had arrived in at hospital. That seemed to lay so far in the past, and he seemed a complete new person. Seeing him in his old clothing – white thin slacks and that yellowish pull – was quite a contrast.

He was so completely rapt in his play with the little dog that he hadn´t noticed her by now.

“We´ll find someone who cares for you, sweetie. And if not I will care for you. How could anyone not love you...”

Sophie sighed deeply. It felt as if he more spoke about himself than about the dog. His words were so heartfelt and positive, but yet Sophie sensed sadness in Martin´s voice. Now he cuddled the dog tight and closed his eyes. The smile on his lips and the genuine gesture, the way he held that animal which had been given into his care – it all was a perfect picture, filled with love and bliss.

Martin heaved a big sigh and raised his head... and then he nearly let go of the puppy.

His eyes met Sophie´s. His jaw dropped and his mouth fell open, then he closed it again and lowered his head, looking at her with that insecure vulnerable look of him; sucking his lower lip in a bit while his chin protruded and Sophie felt how much she had missed him.

“Hey...”

Her mouth was dry and she had to take some deep breaths but then she slowly stepped into the room. Martin stood up, still holding the dog, walking towards her with shaking legs.

“Hi...”

Then they stood, looking at each other not sure what to say. Sophie reached out a hand to touch the puppy.

“What a cutie. What´s his name?”

Martin smiled proudly and came a step closer.

“Simba. Like in “The Lion King”, you know.”

“Oooooh... sweet. I´ve heard you sing...”

“Oh!”

Martin blushed deeply and looked away for a second but then he stepped even closer, until they built a circle with the dog in the middle, like... a family. Sophie swallowed hard.

“Can we go somewhere to talk? Or are you still working? How long is your shift by the way?”

Martin looked around.

“I´m free actually. I just... didn´t want to go back already. Come, I just need to bring Simba back.”

Sophie followed and observed in awe how Martin so cautiously carried the small dog back to his place and checked carefully if it had all it needed. Then he squatted in front of the dog, petted it and talked in that low soothing voice, before he finally stood up and came over to her, blowing the air out slowly. Sophie smiled at him.

“You seem to like it here.”

Martin nodded and stuffed

“Yes, very much. I´ve been here for two weeks now and everything´s going fine. We have lots of kittens here. So many... you know, people just leave them somewhere on the road. And some of the animals are ill and come here for... how is it called... eve of comfort. Horses, for example. I never saw me into horses, but look... here I am.”

He laughed and Sophie felt how this was exactly the right place for him. Caring for another living creature... it seemed to come all easy for him. And on the other hand the animals surely had their impact on him. It was all too obvious how it did him good.

He had his hands in his pockets as they were walking.

“There´s a path into the fields. Shall we go there?”

Sophie nodded. For some time they just strolled along silently, before she finally found the strength to speak again.

“I´ve only read your letters now. I just... couldn´t for sometime...”

Martin swallowed hard and looked at his feet.

“Hmm... understandable. To be honest, I had nearly lost hope to get an answer. But I needed to try. I wanted to tell you...”

He heaved his chest up and down and his breathing was all she heard for some time then he continued.

“Listen, Sophie... I´m really sorry. For all that has happened. For your pain. I´ve made a mistake and... I´m just so sorry, I... I guess I´m just repeating myself... I never wanted to hurt you. Please, you must believe me.”

“Hm...”

They stopped at a tree and Martin looked at her. Pleading and sad and she could see how he was so unhappy with himself and yet there was so much truth in his eyes... Sophie knew she had already forgiven him, she just needed to overcome that last piece of pride and fear.

“I didn´t know if I could trust you again.”

Martin bit his lip.

“Yes... I understand. Listen... I don´t know if I´ll make mistakes again. Maybe I struggle and I don´t succeed. So the only thing I promise you is I will try. I will try my best. I try to be a better person. And you made me a better person. You showed me there was more to me. I... I had never tried... this... this here, if it weren´t for you. Sophie, I know I was a fool and... ”

Now he was silently crying and Sophie felt tears gather in her eyes, too.

“Martin...”

He came closer, slowly and quietly, tears now falling down his cheeks and there was so much desperation in his eyes but also truth and love and... hope.

“I missed you so much, Sophie... Please, can you forgive me?”

And now the last pieces fell apart and they looked each other into the eyes, breathing deeply and then Martin stepped forward some more and Sophie moved into him and then she nodded and he raised his hands to her chin and she was lost in the oceanic blue of his eyes and the beauty of his smile and all of her gave in and she closed her eyes and then Martin sobbed one last time before he gently touched his lips to hers.

Gods, how she had missed that. His warmth around her, his sweet taste on her lips, his body holding close to her, his scent in every breath she took and his arms around her. She breathed slowly and her knees got weak and then she kissed him back.

When they eventually parted from each other, Martin still looked insecure and vulnerable, but he smiled under tears and his eyes grew wide, when he held her hands in his and shrugged his shoulders, breathing deeply.

“I love you.”

Sophie smiled and blushed.

“I love you, too. But please Martin, can you promise me one thing?”

“Hm?”

“Talk to me. Just... talk with me. I am okay and I would tell you if it is too much. Just... please don´t hide anything away again from us, okay?”

He nodded.

“Yes. I will. I promise you.”

They kissed again and finally all doubts and fears melted away and Sophie knew the pieces had fallen into place again. He was here. With her. They were back together again.


	7. Chapter 6 - Past Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin takes on the search for his father.

_ Chapter 6 - Past Issues _

And from then on everything was fine. Martin succeeded his internship for two months more and then he was offered a permanent job there, which he gladly accepted. And that was when rehab finally ended for him. He would further visit a therapy consultant once a week and he had also stopped smoking during the process and everything went greatly for him. There was just one thing still nagging at him.

“You know, about my father...”

They were cuddling on the sofa and Sophie had already noticed how Martin had been unusual quiet this evening. She had come to make a habit of just observing him closely, whenever she felt he was processing something on the inside and then at one point she usually asked him if he wanted to talk about it, but this time he opened up from himself.

She looked at him, encouraging him to speak further. Martin breathed deeply.

“I thought a lot. I would like to meet him. I feel like I need to cut loose ends or how´s that called. But with him I just can´t. I... I just want to know why...”

Sophie looked up and held his hands. They were cold, he was nervous. So she took them in her hands and rubbed them until he felt warmer again. Often that helped him to calm in the process.

“You want to find him? Yes, I can understand you.”

And she hoped it would give him closure and not even more issues. Who would know how his father would react? She heaved a deep sigh.

“But you know... it can whirl things up even more.”

Martin nodded.

“Yeah I know. I´ve thought about it. Maybe it would be better to leave it be. But I want a try at least. Try and find him. See if he wants to talk to me. And you know, there´s a fair chance things clear up. Or it will just be about him knowing how I feel.”

“Hmm. I know what you mean, Martin. I´m just a bit afraid if... let´s say the outcome isn´t what you wish for. I mean, is there anything you wish for?”

He smiled, but it was a sad smile.

“To be honest, yes. Sure, I have a wish. I wish there would be at least one person of my family left. One person I am related to. I mean, you are everything to me, but I feel...”

He sighed deeply and looked at her and Sophie clasped her fingers with his.

“... I want to be part of a family and he is out there, somewhere.”

He shrugged.

“I can imagine how you feel. Not that I know how you feel, because I have my parents, both. And I wish for you, too, to have that feeling of belonging. I just don´t want you to hurt.”

Martin cuddled close to her, his body tense.

“I know... I fear that, too. I mean, the worst thing that could happen is what? We´ll find him and he rejects me. Again.”

“Jap... Martin, you should really talk this through with your Dr. Merryweather. It needs to be prepared very well. And I´m not sure, if not someone – let´s´say more professional should accompany you when it comes to meeting him. And first of all, how do we find him?”

Martin shook his locks.

“I have absolutely no clue. There must be documents somewhere, don´t you think?”

“Yes sure. Your birth certificate for example. That should have his name. Wait, you don´t even remember his name?”

Martin palmed his face and for some minutes Sophie was afraid he was having a breakdown. But he just breathed and then again, he shook his head.

“I don´t remember a thing. I was so little. And my mother never talked about him. It was always “your father the...” - add any swearwords you know.”

“Hmpf...”

Sophie made a face. That was about as much information as nothing.

“Talk to your therapist this week. They must know how to get information about him, and all the organisational issues. They must have connections to the authorities.”

“Authorities? Do I need to go there?”

Sophie shrugged.

“I guess so, yes. You know because of data security, they will surely need you ID and everything. I´d go with you.”

“Okay. That´ll do then.”

The search for his father took some weeks. Dr. Merryweather had taken the challenge and after long talks they had come to the conclusion that a meeting between father and son could have positive effects on Martin´s healing process. So from then on his appointments had been doubled and they were preparing very well, as far as Sophie could understand from all that Martin told her. And he told her a lot now. She was glad that he connected so well with his therapist and could finally speak about all those feelings of neglect and grief.

“And he said it´s okay if I feel angry when I meet him. We are just working on how I can express that differently.”

Sure he was angry. His father had left when he had needed him the most. To Sophie it seemed Martin had been born into a family where no one had been able to take over responsibility. No wonder his way had led him to repeat exactly that, how long had he been trying to take over responsibility and then when no one was left, he gave up and the drugs helped him to forget and not take responsibility for his feelings. But now he was maturing in so many ways, she knew and saw exactly when he nearly fell back into his old patterns, but he had learnt to express himself and to take responsibility for himself and he wasn´t hiding away any longer from emotions that gave him a bad feeling.

Finally, one day a letter arrived. Sophie had been to the postbox and when she went through the letters, she firstly didn´t notice but then she clapped her hand to her mouth and ran inside.

Martin was just munching on some pizza they had left over from the day before. When he saw her expression his mouth fell open.

“Is it...?”

“Yes.”

With tension she watched how Martin took some time just holding the letter and then with a big deep breath and shaky hands ripped it open. His eyes narrowed when he read. And then he read it again and once more and when he looked up, a relieved smile painted on his face. Sophie dared to walk over and waited until he could speak.

“He... wants to meet me...”

“Oh Martin...”

She took him into her arms and he began to sob.

An appointment was set and Martin actually went there with Dr. Merryweather. Sophie was glad, someone “professional” was with him, she would have to live with the consequences anyway, and she knew she would have been too emotional, too much on Martin´s side, to be of any support for him in this.

So she waited nervously and her tension filled the whole flat that evening. She only knew that they had met in the late afternoon and she had no clue how long it would take. Just in any case, Martin would be brought home by Dr. Merryweather. Once again Sophie was happy Martin had found the right therapist.

The waiting was terrible. She was checking her mobile every three minutes, waiting for a message and thinking if it meant good or bad it was taking so long. Finally she decided to take a bath to calm down a bit. And after that she sat down with some pasta and spinach, tired already, but yet awake with excitement.

Then – finally – she heard the key turn. She stood up and nearly stumbled over the chair, and before she could leave the kitchen, Martin already appeared in the doorframe.

“Hey...”

Sophie tried to read his looks. He looked a bit exhausted, but... neither sad nor angry. He actually looked okay, she wouldn´t say happy, more confused and... but okay.

“So... how was it?”

Martin sighed deeply and let himself fall into her arms.

“Good. It was good. I just... can´t right now. But everything´s okay.”

He held her a bit away from him and she nodded.

“Okay. As long as you´re good. That´s the important thing.”

He smiled and kissed her.

“Yes, I´m good. Very good. Was just... a lot. Can I tell you tomorrow? I just want to sleep now, I´m completely done.”

“Sure.”

They went to bed and cuddled some more but he really was exhausted and much to Sophie´s surprise he fell asleep within minutes.

After a long sleep and an extensive breakfast Martin finally was able to speak. They had had a long talk, and it hadn´t been necessary that Dr. Merryweather was with them the whole time, but she was always close, so Martin and his father had actually spend some time alone and everything went well. He seemed to be a nice man and he had been able to understand Martin´s feelings and his wish for more connection.

As it occurred, Martin´s mother had forbidden him to contact the boy after he left the family. And Martin now knew this had had nothing to do with him, just that his father hadn´t been capable anymore to supply the family with his loan that time and so he had overtaken a job in Wales.

“And my mother just didn´t want to leave. She wanted him to stay but we had no money. But she didn´t want to go with him. So she threw him out.”

Martin gulped.

“Oh... so that clears up a lot, right?”

He nodded.

“Yeah. I always thought he left us. That he left... me. But he didn´t actually. And... look, he brought all of these...”

He held a bunch of letter, tied up with a cord and now he had tears in his eyes.

“How could she do that? Send all his letters back... And always tell me, he was the bad one...?”

“Come here.”

They were sitting on the sofa and Sophie laid her arms around him and stroked his back. Martin sobbed for a short time, but then he wiped the tears away and smiled.

“But now I know. And he wants to stay in contact. Wants to know you... if you´re okay with it?”

“Sure, Martin. I´d love to get to know your father. We should invite him here. Gods, I´m so happy for you. He must have missed you.”

“Yeah, I guess. He said so.”

“Did you tell him... everything?”

“Jap. Not in detail. But he knows. Was hard for him to take. But well, that´s behind me now, I´m sober and I´m here and...”

Sophie smiled and happiness spread in her heart; yes, he was happy. All had turned out good. And he had a family now.

“You know, I love you...”

Martin whispered around her neck. She smiled.

“I do. And I love you too, Martin.”

They sighed deeply and then his lips were on hers and when they parted, he grinned at her and Sophie already knew what he was about.

“Anything else?”

Martin shook his head.

“Nope. I´m through. That was all I´ve had inside. But you know, there´s still a lot of me that needs to get out.

“Ooooooh Martin...”

Sophie grabbed a cushion and threw it on him and within seconds they were in the nicest pillow fight. But surely after a very short while all cushions lay somewhere on the ground and Martin had her tightly enwrapped under himself, kissing his way from her lips and neck down to her belly while his hands were under her shirt, caressing her breasts. Sophie was breathless and giggling still, trying to grab him somewhere, but he had already vanished under her skirt and between her legs, breathing hot kisses onto her panty. The giggling changed into moaning and she hammered her fists into the sofa, when Martin slid his tongue under the fabric. How he so delicately moved his lips and tongue over her like this, always finding other ways to pleasure her... she forgot everything else and then it was just voices and touching and eventually he moved his hands over her back, moving her hips up and against his lips and then he pulled her panty down. She heard him fumbling with his belt and zipper and she didn´t dare look but she had a clear idea from the noises and Martin´s movements that he was touching himself while he licked her thoroughly.

Sex was never the same with him and still after all this time it was exciting, he always knew how and where to touch her and mostly their preferences on the given day corresponded, be they either more soft and slow or as she nowadays called it “instinctive and hot”. And the feeling that Martin “used” sex for pressure release had long vanished.

Sophie rolled her head to the side under low moans, and she bit her lip while she opened her eyes and glanced down. She sucked the air in sharply and moved her fingers into Martins locks, pulling at his hair just a bit. He groaned and his tongue pushed into her with vigour. He was coughing now, groping hard around himself, his erection swelling under his manipulations. The sight made her twitch and then he retracted from her and covered her spot with his tongue, sucking and circling around it until she came, screaming his name.

Martin´s head popped up again, a wide smirk on his face, his lips moist and plush.

“You want more?”

Sophie groaned. She pulled him up and onto his back and without even removing the rest of their clothes she sat down on him and with an indulgent sound he moved into her, chuckling and laughing and then he closed his eyes and she bowed down, engaging him in a deep passionate kiss, their tongues reciprocating the rhythm of their lower bodies. Their groans and moans increased with every minute. Martin wandered his hands over her body, up and down, kneading her behind, pinching her nipples, pulling her closer, pushing deeper into her and then all was too much and he reared up and she clamped around him, while he thrust harder and then his warmth filled her utterly and her climax hit her fervently.


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The circle closes.   
> Mr. Palmer meets a changed Martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you´ve enjoyed the story. It was quite ride with Martin. But I´m glad I finished this story.

_ Epilogue - One year later _

Mr. Palmer rubbed his palms. He was nervous. They had spoken on the phone, but that had only been a short talk. He still couldn´t believe the young man had agreed to meet him.

“Would you like something to drink? Water or some juice maybe? Coffee?”

That was the young woman who had welcomed him here.

“No, thank you very much. Please, no inconveniences.”

“Okay. Martin will be here in a second.”

Mr. Palmer breathed deeply. One year had passed since that terrible incident. It had taken him a long time and many therapy sessions to halfway get over it. To get his life sorted again. And here he was, waiting for Martin and hoping that would bring him closure at last.

Some minutes more passed and then a young man stepped into the room. Mr. Palmer looked up and barely recognized him. Martin stood confident and a wide smile painted on his face, his eyes were gleaming and he seemed to have gained some weight. Yes, his eyes and his smile and his posture, there were remains of that boy he had met in that park one year ago. But all in all Mr. Palmer had the feeling, this man had nothing to do anymore with the young addict he had come to know that time.

He cleared his throat and stood up.

“Martin... hello. Good to see you again.”

“Nice you came. Please sit. Anything to drink?”

Mr. Palmer made a gesture with his hand.

“No thanks. Your... girlfriend already asked me.”

They sat down again and Martin crossed his legs, looking at Mr. Palmer openly.

“Uhm... so this... it´s a bit strange. But I was really grateful you called. I didn´t have any contact possibilities and I wanted to thank you. You know, a lot happened...”

Mr. Palmer swallowed.

“Yes, I see. So, how are you, Martin? I have the feeling you´ve changed.”

Martin chuckled.

“Yeah. Lots. And I guess that´s to do with what happened. If you hadn´t taken me to hospital...”

“Oh no... that... ach Martin, it was a terrible accident. I didn´t want that to happen.”

“Yeah well, I know. It sounds strange but in a way... I guess I wouldn´t be here without that.”

Mr. Palmer felt a bit of pressure release. Martin really seemed happy, he had a good life now, he was sober... and he obviously was in love. Martin nodded.

“I´m no longer mad at you, Mr. Palmer. I never really was. Apart from that evening. But that was then. I was another person. I couldn´t think of anything else than how to get a shot. So... thank you. Maybe it wasn´t the best possible thing to happen... like that I mean, but for me it was life-changing. Look, I have a girlfriend and we live together now since some months and I work at the animal shelter. At Oxford Street. Have you ever been there?”

Really, he had changed. He talked differently, his whole attitude had matured and he smiled so openly, it really seemed that incident had been a kind of miracle.

“No, never been there. But I know it. That must be a very satisfying work.”

“Yes, I like it very much. I feel... great. And free. I´m a new person, really.”

“Yes, you look like it. So... I guess I´ll leave you to your girlfriend again. She seems a wonderful woman. You are very lucky, Martin.”

Mr. Palmer stood up and they shook hands. Martin escorted him to the door and they said goodbye.

“So, how was it?”

Sophie stood waiting in the kitchen when Martin returned. He smiled.

“Good. All is good. I think that was needed to close the circle.”

She guessed he was right. Everything had begun with that evening in the park and maybe they had never met if it hadn´t been for Mr. Palmer. She beamed at Martin and wrapped her arms around him and then they merged into a deep enduring kiss.

~ The End ~


End file.
